The two biggest mistakes therapists make that make therapy unhelpful

Today we're going to talk about a painful but much-needed topic: the biggest mistakes therapists make.

If you’re a therapist or coach yourself, this is the mirror you absolutely must look into today. And if you’re a client who’s been faithfully trudging to a practice every week for months (or worse yet, years) without anything really changing? Then this is the article that’s going to open your eyes. Roughly speaking, there are two massive mistakes that are made time and time again. Mistakes that keep clients stuck, make them dependent, and cause them to spend a fortune on results that… well, amount to nothing.

Let's dive right in.

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Mistake 1: Too much report (The trap of "paid friendship")

The first mistake may sound a little strange to your ears. After all, you would think that this is actually a good thing. So I'm going to dig deep on this one right away. The first big mistake is: reporting too much. We become too many friends with each other.

Now, let’s add an important scientific caveat. We know from countless studies that the effectiveness of therapy depends to a very large extent on the relationship between the therapist and the client. The “click,” the connection, the therapeutic relationship—that is by far the most important factor in determining whether a treatment program succeeds or fails.

So with that in mind, you would almost say, "Edwin, how on earth can you have too much rapport? Rapport is that warm feeling of 'hey, we're connected' isn't it?"

The dependency machine

Of course, rapport is important. Don’t get me wrong. You have to trust each other . But things go wrong when that rapport goes too far. Things go wrong when it means the therapist no longer dares to say the things he or she actually should be saying.

For fear of losing connection, therapists remain a little on the surface. It becomes a kind of cozy friendship. A paid friendship, that is. Researchers also indicate that too much report in this way can actually get in the client's way[1].

Then you get those situations where a client panics and says:

"Oh help, my therapist is going on vacation for three weeks! I just finally had someone I trust, I had just built such a fine friendship.... What on earth am I going to do now?"

If you end up in that situation as a therapist, then in my view you’re simply not a good therapist. What you’ve done, in fact, is make the client dependent on you.

Imagine doing that with 10, 20 or 100 people. All people whose emotional stability depends entirely on your weekly nod and your listening ear.

Then you are no longer a therapist. Then you are almost like a cult leader maintaining a therapeutic cult. And the good thing is: in the Netherlands that sect is often reimbursed by the health insurance company. That seems to me to be a very bad thing.

Become the ANWB of the mind

What do you really want to achieve with these people? You want them to start living their own lives. They can’t do that the moment they walk into your office, and they need help with that. Fine. So, as a therapist, think of yourself as a kind of roadside assistance provider.

As a roadside assistance provider, you want to get those people back on the road as quickly as possible. You're not going to cozily climb into the back of their car to ride with them for the rest of their vacation, are you? You're not going to patch up the engine a little every hundred yards so that they can bump along a little further, only to stall again. No! At some point they have to do it themselves.

The longer therapy lasts, the more difficult that becomes. Look, if a course of therapy lasts only two, three, or four sessions, the bond you build is strong. Strong enough for the interventions to take deep root, but short enough to prevent that unhealthy sense of camaraderie from developing.

Because once it's there, the threshold for clients to get out of therapy increases per session. A therapist usually does not do this consciously, at least I hope so, but it does happen unconsciously.

The task of therapy is simple: as short as possible, as effective as possible, and always based on ownership.

You will do it. You, as the client, are in charge of your change. "Oh, but Edwin, I find it so hard..." I get that. And sure, I'm going to help you with that. I'm your facilitator, your coach. And yes, we can use powerful therapeutic interventions (like hypnotherapy) to help people get back on track incredibly quickly.

But after that? Learn it yourself. Do it yourself. Of course, we're not going to walk hand-in-hand with you for the rest of your life.

Mistake 2: It all stays cognitive (Talking instead of solving)

The second giant mistake is that far too often in the therapy world it all stays cognitive. It gets stuck in the upper chamber. In the conscious, logical, analytical brain.

However, that is not where our behavior and our problems come from[2]. Using all kinds of techniques, therapists then try to automatically change behavior “on its own.”

Clients are given homework, must complete schedules, keep lists.... It's one big mindful exercise. And the problem is: at some point, the therapist's questions are completely unsurprising.

Clients are heart smart. Especially those who have already worn out a whole slew of therapists and psychologists. They know the ropes. They start talking like that at some point.

Then you hear them say, “Yes, I’m writing a letter to my mother right now to tell her that what she did back then wasn’t right .”

Then I think: People, we are thirty years along!

Maybe that mother has long since changed in the meantime. Maybe that mother has been saying, "I love you for years now ." But then again, of course, it's not good enough for the cognitive client because "she should have said that thirty years earlier.

And imagine that your mother is indeed never going to say that again. Imagine that your mother really hates you. Okay. That's very annoying. Indeed, that's terrible. And that may be there, you may absolutely feel that. But if we've felt that, and we've worked through it... what are you going to do now? Thirty years later, are you still going to keep pointing the finger at her?

The wall of the conscious brain

The problem with that purely cognitive approach is that you remain stuck in the conscious mind. You don’t descend into the unconscious. And the unconscious happens to be precisely where the emotions reside, where the images reside, and where the real pain is stored[3].

The more you dwell in that cognition and ask questions that activate logical thinking, the more protective layers people will build[4].

After all, the conscious brain is a star at making up excuses, rationalizations and walls just to avoid going to that deep, raw pain. And the result? The therapy lasts and lasts, and only gets longer.

Marketing-wise, this is obviously fantastic for a therapist. Let's do the math. If you can do a hundred sessions with someone at a rate of €75 each time, that one client will earn you €7,500.

When that's also nicely reimbursed in part by insurance, how many clients do you need per year to live comfortably? With about ten clients, you can rake in €75,000. Then of course your practice is doing well financially.

So I do understand the temptation. If you make pathways shorter, you simply need more people to fill your hours. But if we look at the gigantic waiting lists in the mental health system and the huge stream of people screaming for help, there really is plenty of work. You don't need to keep people artificially long in your practice. The shorter, the better. The more effective, the nicer in every way.

The solution: Why therapy only works when hypnosis occurs

I’d like to recommend that everyone (both therapists and clients) take the time to explore how change really works in the brain. And yes, here comes the proverbial “Toilet Duck” commercial, but I’m going to say it anyway: hypnotherapy is by far the best way.

Why dare I say that so loudly? Because in fact, any therapy that works only works the moment hypnosis is involved. Let's put it another way: therapy only works the moment hypnosis or trans occurs.

You can also call it a "trance state. Only when people shoot out of that analytical, critical head for just a moment and sink into that deep, inner focus ("Huh..."), only then does a suggestion or intervention really come in. Do they just stay in that critical, alert mind? Then everything you say bounces right back. Nothing comes in at all.

Every successful form of therapy utilizes (consciously or unconsciously) bypassing the critical factor of the conscious brain. This is what the hypnotic state does[5].

So, dear therapists: study hypnosis. Study hypnotherapy. Learn to see when someone goes into a light trance or hypnosis, and bam, then give your therapeutic suggestion.

Fortunately, there are plenty of powerful tools and methodologies that do just that, that go a little deeper and blast past that tiresome cognition for a while:

• Hypnotherapy: Direct communication with the unconscious software program.
• EMDR: Through eye movements or taps, turn off reason and process trauma directly.
• Systemic Work: Understanding and resolving the deep, unconscious dynamics of your family constellation.
• EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques): Working with the body's energy pathways to release emotional charge.

Study them, train yourself in them and find the way that suits you as a practitioner.

An urgent call to you

Should you be reading this now as a therapist, take this to heart. Stop creating dependency. Stop those endless talking sessions that only thicken your client's walls. Dare to let go of friendship and give ownership right back to the person sitting across from you from day one.

And should you be reading this right now as a client? If you're currently in a program somewhere and you notice, 'Gee, we're basically just doing cognitive work week in and week out, we're just talking about my problems, and I do feel relieved for a little while afterwards, but nothing essentially changes...' Then please find someone else.

This is nothing to the detriment of the therapist as a person (they are undoubtedly a treasure of a human being with the best of intentions) but it simply costs you tons of time, mountains of money, and it doesn't work for anything.

Over the years, I've really seen plenty of people in my practice and trainings who had been in traditional therapy for years. And you know what the shocking thing was? Not only did it not help anything, it often just got worse.

They had built up even more sophisticated layers of protection through all that talk. They had additionally been given a whole bunch of bad suggestions. Suggestions like: "Yeah, it's not all because of you, it's because of that messed up family background of yours."

Well, I guess that's all very well. That family was probably heartbroken, too. But we're not going to change that family today, are we? They're not suddenly going to offer the apologies you hope for. It has to come from within yourself.

You do it. People often find this incredibly exciting and difficult at first, and I totally understand that, but it really is the next best thing to becoming truly free.

Learn hypnosis as a therapist

Did you know that therapists also enroll in the Hypnose Instituut Nederland’s training programs? Are you a therapist looking for more tools to help your clients? Come to a free masterclass to get started.

Or register directly for one of our events and trainings.

Do you have a question about our training program? Schedule a one-on-one consultation here.

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