Starting over after divorce

Unsafe, alone, abandoned and without a rock to build on after yourself. That's how you may feel after a divorce you didn't choose. Being abandoned, or betrayed, is one of the most terrible things you can experience in your life. It is, however, a time when you can start over and check what you actually want for yourself without regard to others.

To make sure you can start over after a divorce, in this blog I will discuss processing divorce and what you can do to start over.

Processing Divorce

Initially, it is important to process your divorce. You don't want your new life to be based on proving the opposite of what your ex said to you or doesn't believe in. Then you actually give your former partner too much power over your life when that person no longer plays a role in it.

By coming to terms with your divorce, you can then make decisions that are guided solely by your own beliefs.

Grieving

The first thing you can do is make sure you allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship ( 1). When you lose something — whether because someone has passed away or because someone no longer wants to be with you—that’s a reason to feel really down and sad for a while.

Also, thoughts about the future, fears you may have about it, are good to have. After all, you have been plunged into a process of change and perhaps even without having chosen it.

You may allow yourself to feel sad about the relationship ending.

So give yourself time to function less well than normal for a while, as long as it does not interfere with your health or that of your family, then a few weeks is not a problem.

Talk to others

Coping with divorce on your own is incredibly difficult. Sometimes you need to vent, sometimes you need a good laugh with other people, sometimes you just need a hug.

In doing so, other people can also help you with next steps, if you need someone to work with, for example.

Redefining Identity

If you’ve always identified yourself as X’s partner, a divorce can trigger an identity crisis . It can also lead you to think very negatively. This is a real shame, which is why positive thinking is so important—though it’s sometimes easier said than done. Fortunately, there are things you can do to think positively and rediscover yourself.

Determine your interests

What you can do is take some time to reconnect with your own interests. Do you enjoy reading, painting, exercising, knitting, playing chess, writing, or something else? Try out different things so that your identity isn’t defined by your relationship status or your job. Plus, you’ll feel much happier when you take on something new and do what you enjoy.

Meditate

Meditation is a great way to reduce stress. Going through a divorce can be extremely stressful, and meditating daily can be very helpful in reducing that stress.

Moreover, during such a meditation session you can get ideas that you can do something with. I also meditate and always have a notebook handy for when I get new ideas that I want to do something with. Whether this is doing something fun with my family or for my work. Everything I write down.

Use mindfulness

Positive thinking often means thinking in the here and now. How often do negative thoughts or a lack of focus on the here and now make you feel down? For example, you might think about things that happened in the past and relive all the emotions from back then—usually the less pleasant moments. In addition, you often have thoughts about the future. Thoughts about the future after a divorce can be very stressful—for example, about work, and if there are children involved, about child support and whether or not it will be paid.

By being in the here and now with your attention, people generally experience greater happiness. In doing so, you can also interrupt your train of thought more quickly if it is not positive. This is because you are more aware of your thoughts and what effect your thoughts have on your emotions. This allows you to break a negative spiral faster and more consciously.

Daily life

To cope with your divorce, it’s important not to let your daily life fall apart. Maintaining a good routine and taking care of your health remains important. By sticking to this, you’ll also feel sooner that you’re getting back to a “normal” life.

Lonely after divorce

It can be difficult to get back to a normal daily life if you ’re feeling lonely after your divorce. Meeting up with friends (or girlfriends) just doesn’t seem to work out.

In the case of post-divorce loneliness, look into signing up for a new course where you also interact with people. As in learning a language or taking a cooking course or perhaps a golf workshop.

Post-divorce help

In addition, there are many support groups for people who are divorced. Through these groups, you can find others in similar situations. They can help you, but you can also help them. Helping others has many benefits, such as boosting your self-confidence— something that is often needed after a divorce.

If you find out while processing your divorce that you somehow find it difficult to let go of the relationship, to try something new to move on without a partner, it is wise to find out where that blockage is coming from.

In that case, you can seek help from a psychologist or hypnotherapist. In some cases, a psychologist is also able to put you under hypnosis and then treat you, such as with cognitive behavioral therapy.

Hypnosis is a "fast-track" to finding a problem and even solving it. So even the blockage can be found with hypnotherapy.

Starting a new life

If you have managed to cope with the divorce, find yourself and stay healthy you can begin your new life.

Starting a new life after divorce can sometimes take a while, but then once it happens you can sometimes find that you have already started your new life while you were recovering.

You've found new hobbies and perhaps new friends.

You can then make very conscious choices about what your new life should look like. For example, you can set a personal goal, such as throwing fun parties or moving to a nicer home. You can also set professional goals, such as finding a different job, asking for a promotion, or taking on new responsibilities at work—and if you’re interested, you can even start your own business.

Visualize new goals

Then when you have come up with a goal you can visualize the goal to make it even more tangible and also to increase the drive to achieve that goal. You can do this while engaged in self-hypnosis. You then relax first and then visualize your goal as completely as possible including human sides of the goal, such as emotions and interaction.

In the process, it also enhances the idea that you can achieve your goal. Because you make your goal tangible, the steps toward it also become much clearer, and these are often steps that you know you can take or that you know you can learn to take.

New Start

Once you know what your goal is, you can begin your new start. Where previously your goal may have been to create a nice home for your partner and take good care of him or her, your new start is something that is all about you.

The steps you took while processing divorce can also continue to be taken while you are working on your new life. Meditation can bring inspiration for the next step. Mindfulness provides more focus while you are busy living your life the way you want to without being bothered by doubts or memories. Hypnotherapy and self-hypnosis can help overcome problems along the way. It doesn't matter if that means boosting your self-confidence or reminding you that you are great.

Because you are, after all, you've come this far.

Would you like to learn more about mental techniques to improve your life—or the lives of others? Then take a closer look at the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands or attend a seminar.

Sources:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/separation-and-divorce

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/life-after-divorce-3-survival-strategies