Stalking: How do I stop it?
Your ex, someone you like but who does not reciprocate your love, sometimes you can still be super curious about what someone is up to, who they (or she) hang out with and what kind of things they are experiencing, what they are thinking about. You can be obsessive about such a person because of this. You can literally go to places where you hope to run into him, such as at the home of the person you see often. In doing so, you may seek contact, also in an obsessive way, or you may instead be a silent stalker and check your ex's or unrequited love's social media.
Are you obsessing over 1 person, have you realized this has to stop? Then it's time to read this blog with tips on how to stop stalking
Especially if you realize you are being stupid, but still can't stop, you have a problem. You are suffering from addictive behavior. You have become addicted to wanting that person's attention, regardless of what the other person thinks. So even negative attention is good, or being around that person.
What is stalking anyway?
Stalking is repeatedly looking someone up. You don't even have to address that person to do this, as long as it makes the person feel threatened or uncomfortable. People often think that a stranger is a stalker, but it can just be someone close to you, such as a (former) loved one.
Some stalkers threaten the victim in the process, but that is not necessarily the definition of stalking. It is more about repeated unwanted contact.
Research shows that nearly 1/3rd of youth have exhibited stalk-like behaviors ( 1) such as:
- Doing something over the top to get attention.
- Trying to talk to someone who won't talk to you.
- Doing hyper-intimate to someone.
- Intrusion of privacy.
In 8% of the cases, the individuals acted with malicious intent; in the other cases, they did not. In such cases, it might, for example, involve a crush that has gotten a little out of hand.
In 12% of cases, a "stalker" also targeted 2 people at the same time.
Generally, these behaviors were also performed "in real life" and just the least online.
The researchers also note that among younger people, stalking behavior can sometimes stem from a lack of knowledge about how to start a relationship in a healthy way.
Stalking on Facebook
Stalking on Facebook is something everyone does from time to time. Just to see how he or she is doing in the past and check all the photos. If it only happens once, it is not such a big problem.
It does become a problem if you can't quit.
Many people who stalk on Facebook also send all kinds of messages to that person that the person does not want to receive at all.
Stalking over the phone
Another way to stalk is over the phone. You want to hear from the other person, so you call or send messages via text or chat apps.
This can get so very out of hand, probably under the guise of "the persistent wins" that before you know it, you're messaging someone hundreds of times a day.
Why do people stalk?
So people stalk sometimes out of good intentions, because of a runaway crush, and sometimes out of bad intentions to actually make the other person feel bad.
Traits such as anger and alcohol abuse increase the likelihood of stalking behavior, while empathy actually reduces it.
Furthermore, a person’s level of self-control often plays a role: the less self-control one has, the more likely they are to engage in stalking ( 2). If you can’t properly control the impulse to send that text message, you’re more likely to give in to it—and thus more likely to become a stalker.
When it comes to a stalker with malicious intent, it may be someone who has been rejected and is unable to cope with it. Research shows that this is more common among people with narcissistic personalities or other antisocial behaviors ( 3).
In addition, low self-confidence can also lead people to stalk more often than those with high self-confidence.
Many stalkers also have addiction problems. If you came upon this article because you think you are a stalker and want to quit, it is important to seek help.
There are 5 types of stalkers, namely:
- The rejected stalker, this stalker cannot stomach that the relationship is out and seeks justification of the relationship going out. However, explaining why it is out can sometimes not be good enough or the reasons are not strong enough for the stalker.
- The hateful stalker—this stalker feels hurt and has a lot of self-pity. Threats are often made, but usually not carried out.
- The relationship-seeking stalker, this stalker thinks he is in love with the victim. Usually he is in love with someone of a higher social status.
- The socially awkward stalker, this stalker just doesn't understand how to hit on someone and really doesn't mean any harm.
- The hunter, this stalker stalks for sex, dominance, control and violence. This stalker may also stalk strangers to him/her. The stalking is planned and much fantasizing takes place. The victim is often unaware of the stalking for a long time.
Stop Stalking
If you find yourself in trouble because of stalking behavior, such as because you have been given an area ban by a judge or because the police have warned you, it really is time to stop the unsatisfying curiosity and trying to get in touch with the person stalking you.
I am a stalker
Then it's time to admit it to yourself first. Maybe you are a stalker. By admitting to yourself that you are obsessively involved with someone, you acknowledge that you need to fix something. That's the first step to actually solving it.
Check for yourself whether you are stalking because you actually want to do something to someone, or because you are obsessively in love and don't know how to take a stand.
Trace the cause
To stop stalking, it is important to identify the cause. Why is it ok to send someone dozens of messages while getting no response? Why is it ok to visit someone without asking beforehand and when you actually know that it is not convenient for that person.
This depends on your beliefs about how the world works and what your place is in it. These beliefs can be uncovered through a Socratic dialogue or regression.
With a Socratic conversation, the why question is repeated several times.
With regression, you actually go back to a moment in your life that created the belief that your way of doing things was ok to hit on or deliberately harass someone. Because you can now look back to that moment with your adult knowledge, beliefs can suddenly seem very illogical, allowing you to normalize your behavior more quickly.
Changing Beliefs
Especially if you’re not a “hunting” stalker but one of the other types, changing your beliefs about what’s normal and about your self-worth can go a long way toward stopping stalking behavior.
For example, if you are more confident, you will also be more confident in finding a new relationship if you are currently still stalking your ex or your intended love does not recognize your feelings.
Improve self-confidence
As mentioned, improving self-confidence alone can go a long way toward stopping stalking behavior. To improve your self-confidence, you’ll first have a consultation with a hypnosis expert. Based on this consultation, various techniques can be used to boost your self-confidence.
For example, when it comes to being able to meet new romantic partners, a guided visualization about dating can already do a lot to improve this confidence. During such a visualization, you learn how to deal with feelings during a date in order to get to know someone and quickly accept or let go.
Changing beliefs about relationships
In addition, you may also hold beliefs about relationships that don’t help you maintain a long-term relationship. For example, if you think you have to be in control of your partner, eventually every partner will reach a point where they no longer agree with that. Or if you think a relationship will solve all your problems, that doesn’t help either, because relationships don’t do that.
This can involve repeating hypnotic suggestions, such as:
"I can solve my own problems."
"A relationship is based on partnership, not ownership."
"I can find a new partner if I need to."
"A relationship solves nothing."
These are just examples of hypnotic suggestions, depending on your beliefs you may be given other suggestions to listen to at home during self-hypnosis.
Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works? Then come to an event or check out the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.
Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:
Sources:
1. https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2016-13165-001
2. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07418825.2014.902985
3. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15614263.2012.738490?journalCode=gppr20