Saying Yes, Feeling No: Why we actually fool ourselves all the time

Recognize that? That moment when someone asks you for something (a favor, a project, an evening of drinks you don't really have the stomach for at all) and before you know it, you blurt it out, "Yeah, sure, we do!"

And as those words leave your mouth, you feel it in your stomach. A knot. A sigh. A big, fat NO. Your system cries out for calm, for boundaries, for authenticity. But your mouth?

Who just joins socially. You're feeling good, you're looking forward to the day, but that radiant smile is just missing that little bit of input because you've once again been pushed beyond your own limits.

Today we go deep. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we keep saying "yes" while feeling "no"? There are a few fundamental reasons for this, and once you figure them out, you can finally put that internal autopilot on hold.

1. The primal fear: The herd and social pressure

Let's face it, ladies and gentlemen: we don't want to be rejected. Period. Social pressure is a monstrously big thing. And that's not surprising, because it's baked into our system.

Imagine this: you say "no. You are the only one in the group who says "no. Then what happens in your brain? Panic! Because if you say 'no,' you run the risk of being excluded. You get kicked out of that WhatsApp group, you no longer belong at the coffee machine, and there you are: motherly alone.

Exclusion is our greatest fear and is also very painful[1]. It is a primal fear. In ancient times, in the time of hunters and gatherers, exclusion from the group simply meant death. If you were alone in the forest, you were eaten by a saber-toothed tiger.

So what did we do? We said yes. We stayed with the herd. That conditioning is still in that old brain of ours. The herd is safety. So we say yes, even if it costs us our own energy.

2. The "just do it" conditioning

Another big culprit is simply that we want to be liked. Pure conditioning, ladies and gentlemen.

Think back to the past. What did you often hear at school, or perhaps at home?

• "Ah, don't be so difficult."
• "Just say yes."
• "Well just join in."
• "Don't be annoying."

As a child, you learn at lightning speed: if I say 'yes' and cooperate, I get approval. If I say 'no' and make my own plan, 'hassle' ensues. And we don't like fuss. We don't want confrontation, we don't want crooked faces[2].

At some point you think, "Okay, you know, I'll just join." You choose the path of least resistance. Actually, that's a form of self-hypnosis: you tell yourself that your "no" is less important than the peace in the tent. But that confrontation you avoid with the other person, you engage internally with yourself. And that eats up energy.

3. The Magic of Authority (The Suit vs. The Tramp)

This is a fascinating one, ladies and gentlemen. After all, we very often just do what an "authority" says. When the leader of the group suggests something, we are quick to think, "The leader will know, I'll follow."

There have been wonderful studies done on this phenomenon, for example about crossing a street. They had a man walk through a red light.

• Scenario A: The man is dressed as a bum. He is walking through a red light. What do you think? Hardly anyone follows him. People think, "What a pancake, he's out of his mind."
• Scenario B: The exact same man, but now in a sleek, groomed suit. An expensive briefcase, hair tucked back. He walks through a red light. And what happens? Suddenly more than half the group just walks along[3]!

That's the power of authority status. We are all susceptible to it. So when someone you (unconsciously) see as an authority asks something of you, that "yes" flashes out even faster. So think to yourself: am I saying yes because I really want it, or because I am sensitive to the other person's status?

4. The salami technique: consistency and commitment

This one is sneaky, ladies and gentlemen. Truly a psychological gimmick we all fall for: the drive for consistency.

Once we have said "yes" to something small, we are gigantically more likely to say "yes" to something big[4] (for purchases, this effect does diminish in some countries). I also explain this in my new book on parenting (yes, it's coming!). You can even use this with your children.

A survey was done where they asked people, "Would you like to put a small pamphlet behind your window saying 'Drive Quietly'?" Many people were fine with that. A small request, small effort. But then came the next step. They asked those same people if they wanted to put a giant, ugly sign in their front yard with that same text.

Among those who were asked directly for the board, 70% said no. But among the group who had first put up that little pamphlet? There, more than 60% suddenly said YES to that big sign!

Why? Because we want to be consistent with our previous behavior. We've already shown that we value road safety, so saying "no" to that sign now feels like losing face.

We persist in our "yes" to uphold our own self-image. You see this in politics as well: once people have an opinion, they almost never change it, even when the facts are different. They want to remain consistent[5].

Question for you: Do you notice this in yourself? That you say yes to something just because you've already made a previous small commitment? Let me know in the comments, I'm really curious how this works for you!

5. Your brain is fooling you (Cognitive dissonance)

And then the bouncer: cognitive dissonance. Imagine, you've said "yes" to that project you don't actually have time for. You feel the "no" in your whole body. But yes, you did commit to it.

So what does your brain do? Your brain is a star at straightening out crooked things. "Well," says your brain, "it's actually good for my network, too. And I learn from it. And well, that vacation is in three months, then I can rest again."

Your brain resolves the pain of the "no" by justifying your behavior afterwards. That's nice, because then you feel that internal struggle less, but it makes it even easier to fall into the trap again next time.

Become the master of your own 'No'

Ladies and gentlemen, recognizing these patterns is the first step to freedom. Whether it's social pressure, fear of confrontation, authority status, or that urge to be consistent: these are all mechanisms you can break.

The next time someone asks you something, take a three-second pause. Feel in your body. Is it a "yes" from enthusiasm, or a "yes" from fear of exclusion?

Want to help people become more empowered and say no more easily? Knowledge of hypnosis is incredibly helpful. Come to the free master class for an introduction.

Or register right away for one of the HIN's events and trainings. You can take the training in class, or join the class live with an internet connection. It's like being there.

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