I once spoke to a man who wanted to spend more time with his wife. He wanted to rank high in the Quote 500 for this, so he would have enough money to never have to work again, and then he could spend more time with his wife.
You could say this is a good story.
So I said, "Okay it's Friday night. You're going home. Your wife is there, what are you going to do?"
"Working hard of course."
That sounds strange when spending time with your wife is your priority.
What are priorities?
To consider how he arrived at this answer, it may be helpful to know exactly what priorities are. Priority means to give priority to something[1]. You then consider something more important than anything else at the time.
You have to make a choice about what to do with your time, for example, and this man at that moment thought it was a good idea to go to work Friday night. Work took precedence over spending time with his wife at that time.
Priorities depend on your story
That was interesting. He had a very clear story he told himself about time. To spend more time with his wife he was going to spend less time with his wife.
More people are telling themselves a similar story regarding retirement. The idea is that when you retire you have freedom in time. You trade that time now while you work, so to speak, with the idea that you then have a great time after retirement.
But we all know those stories that people then become physically and mentally diminished. That they fall into a hole and that retirement is not at all pretty. Especially in their minds, when they decided it was beautiful.
This is very interesting and this story you tell yourself is also covered during the Hypnosis Institute Netherlands training.
For me, a lot of my story revolves around freedom. That's why I have The HIN, too, because I wanted to be free from my boss. Also, I really only want to do the things I enjoy.
For example, I hate doing things I don't like. So I created a business through which I do things I enjoy.
I enjoy working with people and training people. Unfortunately, with your own business, you also get to do things that I don't enjoy doing, such as administration and customer service. That's a whole different business than helping someone one-on-one.
At one point, I didn't even enjoy working one-on-one anymore. Now I do again. But there was a dip in that. When you do that every day with three sessions and I was doing the training on top of it on weekends. So I had no more free time and I started to like the sessions less. So basically freedom and doing what I like wasn't quite what I was doing anymore.
Then I'm very rigorous and then I cut the sessions. I'm easy about that though, so to clear my schedule.
In plus-minus 2014, I decided to focus mainly on training. At some point that also became too much and my weekend went away again. So then I had to start cutting back there as well.
So you find something fun, then you start focusing on it, and at some point you don't like it anymore. But could I have known this in advance?
Thinking about your priorities
You'd say not, but maybe I just hadn't given it much thought.
So I was thinking about it again. Freedom was apparently a bottleneck for me. So I wondered what the story was for me now.
For example, I find saying no difficult. But when I do say no, I do so very bluntly. Because of this, people often have the idea that I say no easily, but that is not the case. I just don't bring it tactically.
I find that quite difficult. Especially when I like things anyway.
If someone suggests going to something fun. Then I am quick to say yes to an idea that I liked at the time, but which is suddenly no longer fun at that moment.
In doing so, I also don't want to disappoint people. I don't want to lose, hurt or disappoint people. In my mind, you disappoint people when you say "no."
Someone in the mastermind then said, "There is always someone disappointed." That's either you or someone else in the mastermind. After all, you are either disappointed yourself or the other person is disappointed. So who do you want to disappoint?
I started thinking about that, too. Then you get an interesting story of wanting freedom and doing only fun things. The latter ensures that there is no more freedom.
Because the fun things you are going to do create appointments and then I was no longer free.
For me, this was not a convenient strategy. As a result, I even reached the point of wanting to quit altogether or even running into burnout three times.
Watch your language regarding your priorities
The interesting thing is that by saying "only fun things," I was really only doing fun things. My schedule was completely full because there was no room for other things, such as relaxation.
I didn't realize this. Only during the mastermind did I realize that this was a paradox, just like the man at the beginning of this blog. It sounds very logical, but the person in the middle of it doesn't see it.
The fun things suddenly become a block when you then suddenly have no freedom. Anyway, this is my story. Maybe it is very different for you.
After all, everyone is different.
Still, I would think carefully about whether your own story still rings true.
It may have made perfect sense in the past, but now five or 10 years later it may be different. So think about what matters to you now.
I know my hierarchy of what I find valuable:
- Love
- Freedom
- Fun
- Growth
- Connection
Now it kicked in that fun was taking up freedom, whereas I consider freedom more important than fun.
I traded freedom for more fun and as a result, the fun went away and then I no longer have either.
Only I didn't know the key to solve this or what the problem was now.
In fact, the podcasts I record also help me come to insights. Like what am I doing when I use pleasure more than freedom? Apparently I need to think about what I think is more important. Because I know, but am I doing it?
Also listen to this podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/4267241-wat-is-het-verhaal-dat-jij-jezelf-vertelt
Setting your priorities
As you can see, environments and things you have already accomplished can affect the priorities you set and whether you are truly happy with the priorities you have set.
For example, research shows that hedonistic priorities, such as doing only what makes you happy, do indeed create a greater sense of well-being, and that priorities for a greater sense of security and having things in your control (through a little power) tend to have less influence. This outcome does depend on the country you live in. Especially if you can achieve something, or develop yourself, this is something that is good for your well-being in less developed countries. Whereas in more developed countries, this does not necessarily make you achieve a better sense of well-being[2].
This can come from being burned out, for example, something I also had to watch out for.
Monitor Priorities
When you know what your priorities are, it's important to monitor them. You can take a moment every now and then to think about whether the list of priorities is still in the right order. It is also important to guard them against external influences.
This often means saying "no."
If you find it difficult to determine what your priorities are because you find it hard to say no, for example, hypnosis can help you figure them out.
This can be done, for example, by having a socratic conversation under hypnosis. This is a type of questioning that allows you to find out your deepest beliefs and see if they are based on anything.
Then you have starting points that can help you change your view of your priorities - and why it's important to guard your priorities - and make them stronger for yourself.
This makes it a lot easier to monitor your priorities.
A variety of techniques are available, such as socratic conversation. In addition, sometimes a simple swish technique can already have the desired result, but sometimes something more profound therapy is needed such as with regression.
Want to know exactly how this works? Then come to the free online master class on hypnosis.
Or enroll directly in one of our training programs to help yourself or others.
Sources:
[1] https://www.encyclo.nl/begrip/prioriteit
[2] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0022022113504621
