Not being able to form relationships

Can't form relationships? Then you have something in common with Ilse who gets very anxious every time a relationship might come up. Only then she has to choose between the fear and the person. Then she leaves the person because at least then the fear goes away.

During a live Instagram session, I sat down with her. In fact, research shows that hypnotherapy in women who suffer from emotional problems due to relationships that don't work benefit from hypnotherapy to suffer less anxiety and stress[1]. So also taking a moment to work with Ilse.

I asked her what happens when the date goes really well.

Ilse: "When I wake up in the morning, anxiety immediately overwhelms me. I have no appetite and all I can do is cry. It feels like someone is kneading a ball of fear in my stomach. Sometimes this anxiety comes on for no reason, like an idea that overwhelms me. The strange thing is that it's not even something I consciously think about, but more of a scary feeling that fills my head with negative thoughts like "oh no, not again.""

According to Ilse, the closer the date got, the worse it became, but if the date didn’t go as expected, the anxiety would subside again.

On the one hand, that's bad luck, of course, but for the anxiety, it's kind of lucky that it's at least then gone.

Repeating what your client says

Sometimes it is helpful to summarize what the client is saying. I called this right away her strategy for dealing with a particular problem, this was actually framing the problem as a strategy that no longer actually works.

"Can you please explain to me what strategy you are using? I don't understand what you're doing right now. So you wake up and then all is well and then you think "okay" and as it gets closer you think "Let's see.... I have an appointment scheduled here..." and then comes that tension, that there is a little ball being kneaded... Yes, it already becomes quite annoying when it is almost evening and everything changes completely... Someone has kneaded that little ball stronger and stronger until it becomes the strongest.

But then the image goes away again and gets better, but of course some of that strategy sticks.

Then it's like" Okay basically the picture is still coming close because yes that date is coming". That doesn't change. It's just like: "oh oh oh oh oh oh fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun fun but fun huh fun, so we're going to do that then huh so fun".... and then so "ah too bad He's not so fun after all", instead of "Happy. He's not so nice after all".

So that gut feeling could be that you feel like it, or it could be fear."

I had this right (I hope you did too 😉 ).

Giving insight into feeling

Sometimes explaining the feeling can also give people a lot of insight. So I asked her when she first experienced this feeling, to see if there was a possible explanation.

She had first experienced the feeling of infatuation turning into fear when she had fallen in love with a married man 15 years earlier. She did not find that at all helpful of herself. She also had two children she had to take care of, so all not convenient.

So then she had become afraid and now she thinks a seed was planted there that infatuation is linked to fear.

Needless to say, it was kind of forbidden love at the time. I asked her what else was included in this. Because something that is forbidden (like falling in love with a married man) can sometimes be quite frightening. It can cause you to get into internal conflict.

She understood this, but at the same time, she also indicated that she believes the cause lies somewhere in her past, because her father left when she was 1.5 years old. She had absolutely no memory of that, but she was able to identify a pattern in her relationships characterized by fear of commitment and fear of abandonment.

Because that man (fifteen years earlier) was also married—and she knew there was a good chance that relationship wouldn’t work out—she was already preparing herself for the pain that would come from the rejection . She had also learned that it’s not fun to be in love with a married man.

However, the man she would go on a date with now is not married. So I was able to compare it to then and gave the following suggestion:

"He does get closer, but of course it's not like he's going away anyway. See, that was true with the other guy, well 99 out of 100 percent with married men. That one will stay put. At least, the chances of him leaving there and everything are less than that he will stay with you ... but yeah well, the man tomorrow ... yeah, he doesn't have that. Yes, the chance that that could then just start clicking and otherwise click is right there. Yes, then what is the chance that it doesn't click... yes, yes there is always a chance that doesn't click anymore, but at least there is not something in the background... Yes, because that was the threat that of course came closer then. Yes, that threat was there all the time and it's not there at all now.

Let's assume that.

It's tomorrow ... let's say mister x Mees is waiting. One nice guy, nice guy...Well, we'll see...just checking off the dings...The possibly threats, married not married? Okay top,...um well and actually that was it a little bit. Well, maybe we are still a few flags that you think maybe not so helpful huh. But if that's all in the clear, so all is well.... Then let's get closer.

(Ilse was already starting to shake a little no)

But getting close...What is he going to see next?"

Then she indicated that during the date there is often nothing going on. Even if he's nice and she leaves, there's nothing going on until she just wakes up one day. Then suddenly it's there.

Giving insight into how weird a certain fear is

If you don't have an explanation, you can also show that the fear is not logical, or even a little weird.

I asked if he was there then? No. Was he with his wife and three children then? No, not that either.

So yes, then it may be someone who is indeed afraid that if the man is not there. He can just go away. So I ridiculed that belief that if a man is not there he can go away. I gave the following suggestion with a playfully sarcastic tone.

"Yes, imagine he goes away, like your father or something. Or imagine he's suddenly gone ... Yeah ... Imagine, that guy just has his own life. Oh my god Yes, but actually that's just not possible. Actually, we should have men, sort of... Well, that might come... Well nice.... Such Artificial intelligence.... Yes, that would be great.... Who just does everything you want, who stays with you, does exactly what you want, who says the right things... Who is clairvoyant like 'Oh I see you're feeling this way right now' who then immediately brings you something you like... Chocolate milk or something, I don't know...So that you think, oh the man of the dream, never leaves and lives forever, in all areas he scores a 10. Well we want him, but he's just not a man then he's not."

I also indicated that if a man does spend 24/7 with you, then at some point you're just happy for him to do his own thing. Otherwise it's all hassle. In the end she also had a form of freedom now, she can do what she wants. She doesn't have to take people into account.

I also had discussions about that with my wife, if it weren't for my wife I wouldn't have had that discussion. With a robot, on the contrary, you don't have that discussion, but sometimes it's nice.

Then I asked her to imagine having this date and him being nice. One day she wakes up one day and he is not there. He has to leave for work (or something). What kind of feeling did that give her now?

There actually came a bit of a vague answer that her feelings weren't right and that she still didn't know whether it was because of the fear of these men getting too close, or rather the fear that she could fall into depression because of the crush.

Then I indicated to her that depression is something else after all, and I explained that with the following suggestion:

“Let me explain: Back 15 years ago, you’d fall in love with someone about whom you knew, ‘Yeah, it’s not possible, but that’s also exciting.’ Look, there are so many facets to this tension. Who knows… Oh, this is an idealized image—a man who takes care of his family—but actually… Then you’re head over heels in love with a cheater. That’s all there is to it… So imagine, he’d been in your home. Well, there’s a chance he’d do the same thing. Well, that’s just great, isn’t it… And that’s what made you depressed … Now you’re almost glad it didn’t work out, because the chance that it’ll happen again… Yeah, that guy is apparently like that… or he acts that way… Look, we as people might think, “Oh, but he only does that to me,” or, uh, “Oh yeah, you know, I’m the one.” Yeah, maybe he had five other flings that you didn’t know about at all.

Well, that happened then you found out "Oh, it wasn't what I had thought of in my head as the pink cloud after all." We all do that as human beings too, because I know a lot of women who think that marriage, especially in America I see that sometimes, who think that marriage consists of the wedding. So the wedding is perfect, perfect, perfect and then after one year they find out "Oh, he just sits next to me all the time. Why isn't this like every day that wedding, where it's always a party....Yeah yeah you might have figured that out anyway, that you're just sitting in a house with someone so to speak. They don't think of that in advance. Yes I don't understand that, but yes it happens....

Then they find out "I should have thought differently after all." Well, in India, they do things differently. On the first date, they have a whole list that the two of them are going to check off first.

Do you want children? Says he "no." Well, I call to the car. To the next one and everyone is fine with that. But first let's tick off what we want and aspire to in the next 20 years. If that doesn't click then we'll leave.

To us, that seems really strange, but it does happen. Yes, divorces can happen, too.

A baby is born. For example, I am Catholic and my wife is Muslim. Who says well let's circumcise that boy and I say "Let's baptize him" and suddenly we have a conflict... Well, couldn't you have imagined that 5 years before that was likely to happen? Because I would say "that boy, nobody touches his penis huh. Especially not an imam like that." Then she says "Well fine, that's just going to happen. Do you have a conflict in a moment, but the boy is already born or she's pregnant... Well, that's odd... but yes it happens.

So it happens, well and so is yours. Yes, you got depressed, but yes you learned from it. That's not going to happen again... Well you know, someone got married? You never do that again... You do look out, that really cost you a lot and I can trust you on that... So I do understand that fear, thinking "Yeah, ho ho... Let's label all men as dangerous right away. Yes all of them, then we've tackled that," but of course that's not true. That one man does not represent everyone.

Look, we shouldn’t let him ignore that feeling either. Yeah, you just have to pay a little attention. Then a “Pakistani checklist” like that isn’t even such a bad idea. So tonight: “Are you married?” No. Okay, great. “Do you happen to have a history of addiction?” No? Well, great—it doesn’t sound romantic at all, really not at all, but it doesn’t have to. Because if you’re going to be together for the next 40 years, I’m not going to let myself be guided by that vague feeling called being in love.”

The role you have determines the role you seek

Then she suddenly started talking about a man who was emotionally unavailable. This allowed me to summarize that one man was physically unavailable because he already had a wife. The other man was emotionally unavailable. Then I could still say she might have one who is spiritually or mentally unavailable, then you've had them all.

Then I asked her why she would want to save this person who was emotionally unavailable? Because what very likely happens when you rescue someone is that they leave "and thank you."

She didn't like hearing that. It's not nice, either.

It doesn't have to be, but I've seen it very often. Someone is the nurse and someone is the patient. When the patient is better again he leaves, because why should he still be cared for. Then that caregiver also becomes irritating, because then he can do it himself. So then you have to be able to change roles as a caregiver. That is possible, but it is not a convenient starting point for a relationship.

Evolutionarily, these differences may well have arisen because you then have your own strengths and weaknesses, allowing you to tackle more problems together[2]. In practice, however, this does not always work well, and relationships are often more successful if your partner is somewhat similar to you[3].

So then the question is, why do you fall in love with that kind of (patient) people?

The annoying thing about falling in love is often that you fall in love with the piece, which you are missing. So when you become caring for that person, you may wonder if you are caring enough for yourself.

Ilse had been doing that for a year now, but she found it quite difficult indeed.

The real issue

Very often people come to you with a problem, such as not being able to form relationships, but then they have yet to find the real problem.

Perhaps this was the problem.

Because it's hard for everyone to be caring for themselves. I gave the following suggestion:

"When you look in the mirror and you ask yourself "Can I be there?" You think, well yes 50/50, or 60/40. The best thing, and we can do that of course, is to be yourself a little more whole. 100%. There are always dings...

But that feeling in love that doesn't have to go away. As long as it doesn't go to the wrong people. Because there is a very strongest and caring and sweetest piece in you, which very much wants to help people a heal and things like that... That's nice if you are a nurse, but not necessarily in a relationship. Because yes then you are just Florence Nightingale of old who then nurses those patients all the time, falling in love. It's also not fair to the other person, like "Yes, you stay sick, that's better because then I can keep taking care of you." That's not nice either."

Then she indicated that someone who is then emotionally unavailable that it still feels more like she wants to fight to get his love.

Then I asked her why she wants to be loved by such a person. She thought then because she didn't give it to herself.

The interesting thing is often that other people then find that difficult to deal with as well.

So people can click a certain way because of the roles, like patient goes with caregiver, pleaser goes with someone who wants to be pleased. But then imagine someone quits? Then the other person is not relaxed about that and then they become aggressive or selfish, or you hope that they will then change their role as well.

This makes a relationship a great personal development path, but it takes two people to do that.

If you take it on and you're engaged and you're developing yourself and the other person is still emotionally unavailable and doesn't want to do that, it will naturally break up. Then the other person will leave, because they can't deal with that then.

If you keep filling up the piece for the other person, it feels great for the person at first, but at some point it doesn't. Neither does the other person.

Boring is good

Then I asked her what it would be like if Mister X is just "normal." Do you find that attractive? Then she thought that was actually boring. Somehow I knew she was going to say that 😉 .

That’s a sign for Ilse. There’s a lot to say about boredom and relationships. I offered the following suggestion on this topic:

“Boring is, of course, an unpleasant word. Routine, that sort of thing. But then again, when you’ve been getting along so easily for 40 years… Of course, there are always things—that can happen to us. Anything can happen.”

But, do you want to be like this all the time (I gestured a slight wave) or do you want a little like this (I gestured a violent wave). Yes, I also had the latter. Then I was a little younger. Well, that really went in all directions ... I thought, that's not necessary for me anymore. That takes a lot of energy. It's nice when you get home and it's just kind of boring. Eating, you know, socializing with each other, discussing things. Maybe eating out, theater. There are a lot of people who do that. For me personally, that's the biggest thing that worked out.

But yes, for someone else ... they want to do this, do that and do that and do that. Okay, fine, too. If you find someone who also wants to do that and you get along. That way that's great, fine, but yes it can always happen that someone is going to do something else. Yes, and do you adapt or do you then take someone else? Everything is fine, that's not the point. But if you feel for yourself "kind of nice to be in some kind of calm waters".... Not that that means peace of mind of we don't do f** at all anymore...I don't mean it that way, because you can still do lots of fun things. But you may want peace there, you can. Boring is a form of rest, but you can still do fun things. But not wanting to be boring, that's kind of a sign that you're thinking of "Okay what is that in me that wants a little bit of that excitement anyway? And can't I do that myself? So that I do create my own tension?" and if someone can go along with that, well that's great, because then it becomes doubly fun.

Look for someone as a supplement and not filler. I provide my tension and it's up to you... You may go along with my tension or not."

Then she still started talking about that fear again, and I linked back that that had occurred 15 years earlier with that exciting married man. Then I said, somewhere you step into such a relationship for a reason. So before that relationship there was also something, let's investigate that.

What does the problem get you?

So I asked her what this fear was bringing her now. I thought for her a disguised version of safety. Because somewhere, she already had it very good.

And when you realize that you're also doing well on your own, that's often a sign that you're ready for an addition (not a filler). So she already had children, and if she can say "it's okay if no one joins" then it's okay too.

That was the one thing she couldn’t wholeheartedly say “yes” to. Ever since her children had left home, she had been struggling with loneliness. So yes, what now for the rest of her life?

So I asked her how it felt for her to be alone for the rest of her life. It felt lonely and not good.

Being alone she could, but loneliness she could not.

I asked her if that lonely feeling was worse than anxiety. She didn't know that, because loneliness had been with her since childhood, while that fear was less recognizable.

Then I asked her to imagine if she would still be afraid if she no longer felt the loneliness. She didn't know.

So then I indicated that perhaps anxiety was a solution to loneliness. So while it also gave her security. Then I asked her if she had ever felt safe, without the loneliness?

She'd had that in one relationship.

And now she had that at home, too.

So she did have moments when she was not lonely, not afraid and felt safe. So she had found ways to feel good, without being very conscious of this. The interesting thing is that there is a little girl inside you, who has felt lonely all her life, who doesn't know that she feels completely fine and safe.

Ilse agreed.

Then she was allowed to close her eyes and I gave her the suggestion:

"Then I want you to go all the way back, all the way back, all the way back all the way back and then you start looking for the very first moment when you felt lonely. Then an age comes to mind, and all right, all ages are fine and then what age comes to mind?"

Ilse: "four"

Edwin: "Then I want you to introduce here that you see yourself now as a 4-year-old little girl who hasn't experienced anything yet, but dot felt lonely...and then I want you to show her: all the moments when you felt safe, but for her those moments are still going to happen. All those moments when you felt safe, without feeling lonely. So you show those all to her ... and you say "we're safe, Okay we made it, just look" Hup and you show all those moments. "Look you're safe, you're safe, you're safe, let's see two more kids got and you know you're safe" and all of them you show that kind of moment until she starts to understand that you're safe. That she's safe and then she starts smiling. Does she understand?".

According to Ilse, not quite yet. Then I indicated to her to continue showing that it is safe to the four-year-old version of herself. At work, in all sorts of places, in the supermarket, wherever she was. It didn't matter.

At one point, the four-year-old understood and smiled.

"She understands. Now four years, you understand. So you see yourself smiling there for four years and you see her kind of getting lighter and lighter and lighter. Lighter and lighter. Because she feels safe. She feels totally okay. She feels comfortable and then you say to yourself "I forgive you."

Ilse: "I forgive you"

Edwin: "Good for her, and you can see her now all beaming, all radiant. Four years completely liberated, happy and joyful... And you hug her. You hug her and she melts into you. She grows up she becomes 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and all those situations change. She feels comfortable, she feels whole, she feels fine, 9, 10, 11, 12 a whole adolescence. Also totally free, happy cheerful. She feels completely Simply fantastic. 20, 25 huh But because of that situation with that one man, with that one man now is fine, now is fine. She feels fine. She feels totally simple fine and all those situations change. Just all light quite happy and grows up all the way to now and then you feel contact with where you're sitting a What happens now when you think about Mr. x tomorrow?"

Then there was still secretly a knot in her stomach. I indicated that that could also be excitement, because of course it's also just plain exciting.

When I look at first-dates I see very few people sitting there without excitement.

All those questions you have and what you don't know. Surely that gives excitement. That curious feeling.

So I asked her to imagine herself going on a date and there's Mister X sitting there. Then just going down that list of whether he is available emotionally, spiritually and physically. I painted the picture that it would be a lot of fun and life would unfold and everything would be okay even if it didn't end in anything. How did that feel to her?

It was still exciting, but now with a greater sense of guts to just do it.

If she also thought about a fourth, fifth or sixth date, she thought she was doing better, otherwise she wouldn't even have those dates.

Then I gave her a reminder of how it was when we started and how it felt now. Still interesting that it was very different now. I indicated that she could now look at it more rationally, more logically also with a different feeling.

Then it's also more fun when someone gets closer and then you do look further. "We'll look" that's another thing, I've also been doing that with my wife for 21 years. In principle, we can always say "we'll quit," but we choose to stay together. That "we'll see" is also nice, you can keep that up for years or a week. It's all good.

If it's fun, it can stay on for a long time.

Then I asked how it felt now. She indicated that she still hoped he doesn't leave. Especially when she likes someone.

It's always like that, of course. If my wife left me it would be whining too. Then I lie in fetal position in the shower.

That fear is really just life. Someone you love can also die. You can be afraid of that, but it is more convenient to enjoy the time you have with that person.

So it always ends sometime, but is it worth leaving it? For me, it's worth continuing anyway. Even though I know it's going to be terrible one day.

Therefore, just enjoy the time you have together. Even if it's just the date. I asked her again how it felt.

She felt better and calmer now.

Watch the entire session here:

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