I don't trust people

A while ago, I helped Sabine who no longer trusted people. She really had to get to know people first and even then she didn't have trust. During a live session on Instagram, I helped her with this.

She was afraid people would always hurt her. People at a distance was fine, like the cashier doing her job, she still trusted that. But when people got closer, emotionally, it became more annoying.

For example, she didn't like friends who gossiped behind her back. She also felt that people took advantage (or used) of the fact that she often had people's best interests at heart.

As an example, she gave:

"Someone came to my work who had been in reintegration and I felt right away, "No, I don't want to work with her." Yet later she came back and I did have to work with her. I told her a lot of confidential things, so to speak.... And she later used that against me."

She often said things she really shouldn’t have because her ADHD makes her a bit of a blabbermouth.

Then I suggested to her that you can only be hurt if you let yourself be hurt.

Building rapport with the client

That suggestion was accepted, but there was still a bit of a skeptical look. In that case, you can do something to strengthen the bond between you and your client. We also refer to this as rapport. For example, you can share personal information[1], so that the other person also finds it easier to talk about his or her life. And as an example of how to deal with the problem.

Such as the problem of certain knowledge being used against you.

I often share personal information, such as my history with drugs. I still get reactions to that, even online. For example, about how I ruined my brain with it. So yes, I shared that, and people are now using it against me, but I just don’t care.

"Because then I think, "Yeah, I shared that and they're using it against me." "Yeah, and then I think, 'Yeah, then I shouldn't have said it.'" But on the other hand, it inspires a lot of people. And then it's a choice, right? On the one hand, I tell it and then I know that some people will then take it. And others who it helps."

Then I asked her if she actually shared secrets with a colleague like that, because it is a bit odd, after all.

According to Sabine, this then built up. It's not like she immediately blurted out all kinds of things. She later realized that she was actually being overheard and that colleague passed everything on to her boss, after which she lost her job.

Needless to say, that's a bore.

Relying on your gut feelings

I was able to point out a very small advantage to her, though. She had sensed beforehand that this person was not okay. So that was an advantage. That was a feeling she could rely on.

Even doctors are encouraged to rely on their gut feelings[2], so why not a "normal" person?

Here she partially agreed. She usually feels it in people, but sometimes not.

Then I asked her when was the last time things went wrong? Because it could be then that you are still in the learning phase for developing that feeling.

About this, I gave her the following suggestion:

"Look, how often do you come across things like that? At some point, you’ll learn. You have to think of it this way: your gut—that’s your intestines. Yes, that’s your second brain. It contains 100 million nerve cells. People also say it’s somewhat equivalent to a cat’s brain. So smart, but also smart in the sense of sensing: ‘Okay, this isn’t right.’ And your head has no idea. Then I think: “Yeah, why isn’t it cool? That’s fine, isn’t it... What’s wrong with this?” And then you run with it, and you’ll learn on your own that your gut is actually onto something. So the question is, why don’t you listen to yourself?”

"I can give you the answer: because your head gets involved. Which is going to come up with all these reasons why none of it is true. Because see, what's difficult about it is to give it a reason, because there isn't one. Look, you feel something, you think, "That's not right," and the reason is not there. Because yeah, it's a nice person, right? Or fine? Or am I kidding myself? But I don't get it. She's nice too, isn't she? And then you go and ask someone else, 'No way, such a hearty nice person.' You can't figure it out. All you can do is, 'I feel this, I'm not going to say anything to that person.' Because I don't tell the person, 'Do you have a reason for that?' No, of course that's really a bad reason. But you also don't have to say, 'Look, no.' But get it?

I have those feelings too, and every person has them. Someone comes in and you think, 'Oh, something's not right here.' Yeah, then you can think, 'Well, I'm just going to stay here.' Yeah, I've also sat in earnest sometimes, just in a pub. And so people came and sat next to me and did this and that. And one time I got the feeling, 'I think, if I stay here, I just won't survive.' Well, then I can think, 'Well, they're nice guys anyway, just stay.' But I'm not going to look this up either, not like, 'Let me test that feeling.' You know? Well, this might have been a different case then. Yeah, I'm just saying, but you've experienced that too. Everybody experiences it sometimes when you get somewhere and think, 'This is not where I should go. This alley I shouldn't go down. This person I should avoid.' And everybody feels that. Only, what does our head do? We just do something like that. Yes, and that's also learning."

Here she agreed, but having learned this, she no longer held deep conversations. As a result, she no longer talked about herself or feelings and the like.

How deep should relationships be?

So then I talked about the degrees of how deep you can have a conversation and when you do it. So why do you have the need for that kind of conversation and do you have someone with whom you can do that? That's something you can ask yourself then.

Sabine, for example, had 1 person in her life with whom to do this.

I once heard that having between 5 and 10 friends can be rejuvenating, but having more than that leads to more stress.

She especially had a therapist to tell her story.

You can, of course, be a paid friend of sorts.

So I mentioned that there are a few people with whom I can do this, like my wife and my therapist. Then at least I got rid of it.

She just had the problem that even when she told it, it stayed in her head. Like what she could have done, why she did certain things. The question for her still often remained "why" and the answer was then being too quick of confidence.

Which people do you trust?

There is also the question of when it is right to confide in people. On this, I gave her the following suggestion:

“If I want help, I’ll ask for it—but only from someone I think can actually help me. I’m very selective about that. Look, you know what it is, Sabine? And that might be the difference between me and, I think, most people. I wouldn’t go to an overweight personal trainer either. If you’re overweight yourself, that’s no use to me. I also wouldn’t ask for financial advice from a financial advisor who isn’t a millionaire. Then I think: ‘What kind of advice are you going to give me? You don’t even have a million yourself, and yet you’re going to give me financial advice. What am I supposed to do with that?’ But that’s just how I’m wired—differently from most people.

A therapist for me, or a practitioner, yes, I have to think that those are usually much older than me as well. Those have all lived through that and those have been in certain worlds that I have been in. They've lived through all that too. Well, and those I trust with my story, but other people don't. I learned very young that that is not helpful. I was in an environment where, if you went to get your heart out there ...not smart.... It could even be deadly, so then you learned very quickly a healthy distrust. That's not necessarily helpful, especially if you do want to trust again later. Then again, a solution can become a problem later."

Then you may also have the misfortune of repeatedly encountering people in your life who are running away from their problems, even from their families. Yes, then you do start thinking that people can't be trusted.

You may also like to help people, but consider the intention you may have. Is it helping people to help? Or is it helping people to get something back?

At least you don't want people talking behind your back when you give them something.

Post-hypnotic suggestions

But that feeling when someone does, they may actually rely on that.

Women also tend to learn to trust their feelings better than men. Women also talk to other women more about this.

Then I gave her a post-hypnotic suggestion about how learning to trust this feeling can work in the beginning. In such a suggestion, you paint a picture of actions a person can take in the future and what they can then expect from those actions.

"Then in the beginning you just have to keep thinking about it. Oh, wait a minute. When was the last time I felt this? Oh yeah, that's when I lost my job. Oh, and before that with that car, what happened there? Oh, before that, damn it. Oh, what ... oh, I quit.' And then that head goes with it, too. And then, at some point, that connection gets stronger. Because then you get that feeling and then all those memories are attached to it. So you do that, and then suddenly those images come along and then it goes fast. Because yes, that's how it works in a head. 'No Sabine, no, no, no, don't trust those people. Not like that at all.'

And then your head starts thinking that way, because that connection has been made. But then in the beginning, like right now, every time I feel that feeling, you have to think, 'I feel it in my lower gut right now.' Okay, when was the last time? Oh yeah, that was then. Oh yeah, well, that was with that woman. That's when I lost my job. Oh, and that time before that, and that time before that, and that time before that.... And when did I have that in my childhood? Oh yes, also that time. My god, I did.'

Okay, as of now, every time I feel this, at least three, four moments pop up that it really didn't go well...Well, I just trust.... Imagine being wrong with that feeling, that the person could be trusted after all. Breakdown. Yeah, better that than losing another job or worse, right? Bad luck. And the worst thing that happened then? You didn't share all your deepest things with that person. Yes, very much compared to: 'I lost my job.' And that... You tell me. When you think about it like that now, what happens next?"

Yes she understood this, but then she still had the problem of having the wrong people around her right now.

That's true, but even then you find, the longer you train with this kind of mind the better you can make this distinction and also get people around you that you can trust. It's not that you can never trust anyone or that you can always trust people. There is a kind of balance to it.

It also depends on what you do. I mean, you'll be in politics 😉 .

Then I reiterated relying on gut instinct and how your head often wants to interfere with that, when it's not always helpful.

Reducing the power of reason

In addition to practicing how to build trust, it can also be helpful to eliminate limiting beliefs—such as the idea that your brain knows better than your gut. So I had a few suggestions to offer on that topic as well.

If your brain interferes too much and thinks that gut feeling away too much, it can cause all kinds of problems, such as wrong friends, burnout, depression and other whining.

It also depends on what question you ask your brain. Stuff in, stuff out. If you ask "Why can't I trust all these people?", yes you will also get an answer that they are all "assholes."

It's just not a very good question. Sabine indicated that she often sees the good in people, even when they are not good.

Of course, many people also have something good, but that doesn't mean I have to deal with them or share everything with them. You also often don't deal with the good core of someone, but with the shell that has been formed by his or her life. And that one just now can be very annoying if that life has been difficult and you have to deal with that.

So I gave her another suggestion about trusting her gut.

"I don't know exactly how it works either, but I did learn: just trust your gut. This is not your type, and that's okay. It's probably someone else's type. Yes, at the core that person is fine, but not for me. And I don't know why, but that's fine. If it feels good, I don't have to say it either. We can just have a superficial relationship. "Hey, what's up? We can do that, too. Getting cozy with that person, why not? He's a fine person, just not for my inner circle. And that's fine, right? I don't need to have 8 billion people in my circle."

She agreed that it does indeed get very busy then.

Also, this feel can be seen as a kind of internal radar. About that, I gave her the following suggestion:

"So, we have a kind of radar in our system that attracts us to the right people who are right for us at the right time. And that same radar also keeps us from individuals who are not good for us at the right time. When it does happen, it's also good, because then you learn again, "Oh yes, I can trust this radar. You know? So it's not wrong that it happens, not at all."

Checking if the treatment succeeded

If you think you have given enough suggestions to change thoughts about trusting people, for example, it is important to check. I always do this by asking about how it feels now to think about a particular problem.

I asked her what happened when she thought about trusting her gut about trusting people and she indicated that indeed she should just trust her gut. That she now assumed that it could be done.

From that came the question, if you can trust that feeling, can you trust other people?

When I asked her to think about the idea "no one can be trusted" she indicated that she was going to think about that a little differently anyway. At least that was already no longer something that was fixed.

But then a new fear emerged, namely that if there were then people she could trust, they would die or move. That's a risk, of course, but then ask yourself if that's worth it to you. Building a relationship with someone, even if you lose it, does end up being one of the nicer things about life, and it's a risk everyone has. In the perfect world, you die at the same time, but it's often not like that. Still, such a bond is kind of the juice of the fruit.

So is that worth it to you, or would you rather not connect with people at all for the rest of your life because they will leave at some point anyway.

Eventually you're going to lose everything in your life, but before that happens you can take the good things out of it.

Fortunately, this quickly hit home with her that this is actually okay.

Her feelings about trusting people had changed, though. That she may enjoy more and trust her intuition more.

Watch the entire session here:

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Sources:

[1] https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2002-01390-011