You don't believe that you and your partner are in love in the same way. You can be in love with someone, but not believe the other person is in love with you."He's not in love," you may think.
Bep (fictitious name) is occasionally in love, but does not believe that the partner she is then in a relationship with is also in love with her.
I asked her if she had ever experienced being in love with someone and then the other person being in love. To this she answered "Yes," but so she did not know that at the time. She had experienced it in elementary school.
But she didn't learn until much later that that little boy was also in love with her.
She had also experienced it once when she was 20, but she also didn't learn that until later.
So that had become nothing.
And with that comes the solution:
Because falling in love and love are two different things.
Because you would think that if both parties are in love, that is the basis for a stable long-term happy relationship. However, so many people are divorced that you can't quite argue that.
We want to, but infatuation ebbs away.
So imagine this: you fall in love. You don't eat, you don't drink, you don't sleep. Survival-wise, that's not helpful at all. You go completely crazy and only think about that person.
How long does that take? Then we take a quick look at the biological and spiritual side of falling in love.
Biological view of falling in love
Biologically, a crush lasts one to 2 years at most. The brain releases all kinds of good chemicals. Dopamine, serotonin and so on and so forth. That's why we talk about the rose-colored glasses, but that ebbs away at some point.
But why are we being tricked like this? Well for reproduction.
The first year is intense. The sex splashes off and you are only with the person. After 1 or 2 years, you then think "is this it now?"
Biologically, you might have already processed a child by then. That's the biological intent. Nowadays we have dings for that that doesn't happen, but there are almost 9 billion of us in the world now. So this works in itself.
It's good for evolution because the more you can choose, the better it is.
The more, the better. So we have a mechanism by which you can have a child within a few years.
Then you enter the next phase 1 to 4/5 years. This is the "love" phase. The ferocity is off, but it is also very organic.
Because imagine having a child, you still have 4/5 years that you are there and then that feeling is gone. At least biologically, because after that those children can survive reasonably well.
After that, you have to be mindful that you want to stick together and activate the good compounds yourself. Research does show, that this is certainly possible. It is then important to have a good friendly relationship with your partner[1].
Spiritual view of falling in love
Spiritually speaking, falling in love is a hole you have to fill yourself. You fall in love with something you yourself are missing.
Not with everyone, but for most people it does.
So you have a gap somewhere. I've been in love a lot of times, but it would ebb away and then I'd start getting irritated by things in the other person that I fell in love with or what I didn't see at all at first.
This then happened precisely when I started to grow or develop on those things myself.
So imagine I had a friend who was super confident . Then I became self-assured myself and began to find that irritating in her. Might not sound very nice, but okay.
So then it went out again and I fell in love with someone else again.
I noticed myself at one point that that was not at all convenient for me.
Then it occurred to me that I needed to fix it within myself. Because I don't want a relationship that fills me up, but one that complements me.
Otherwise, a relationship becomes irritating.
Solution when people don't fall in love with you
The solution if you think people won't fall in love with you: be happy!
Because at Beps, there was also someone who fell in love with her, but was already in a relationship. That one stayed with the other person despite falling in love with Beps.
Well, that's about it.
Then you know enough. Infatuation is not an indicator. Infatuation does the same thing as coke[2]. You want more of it every time.
You even have people with a love addiction. Who just want to be in love. That's fine, of course, and should be up to you, but it is very exhausting.
You'll find out naturally that that doesn't work either. Ultimately, you want peace and regularity.
However, some people get all triggered by the term `rest and regularity'. They don't want that. Fine, then just be in love all the time.
Personally, I think you get to a point where being in love all the time doesn't make you happy and you realize that.
Love is something else
Love does make you happy. That's what's different. For example, I love my children, but I'm not in love with them.
Some parents say they do, but I find that very odd. Then you use your son as a filler, but what if your child then moves out? Or if he does something you don't like? That hurts.
So how do you provide good love?
It starts with giving love yourself.
There are many techniques for that, such as:
You go all the way back for yourself to the moment where you had wanted to experience love but did not experience it.
For example, you go back to when you were 2, or another time in your life. I say love, but it could also be attention, security or something else, and you didn't get that.
For example, I fell for confident people, but that was because I was very insecure myself. I then disguised that with my "partner." That was my gap.
So what do you have to learn?
So you go back in time, you were, say, 2 or 3.
You close your eyes and search within yourself for what you were missing.
You feel for a moment, what is the crush really? What character traits am I striking right now and am I missing that myself? Did I miss that?
For me, it was self-assurance, so I could ask myself, was I before? No, not at all. So I taught myself that and now I am confident.
What does that feel like? Being confident feels good to me.
What you lack, if you have it, how does it feel? And can you color this feeling?
I give the confident feeling, for example, the color green.
If you have chosen a color you are going to think of a way, in your imagination, to send your two-year-old self, or however old you were, that color.
Suddenly you see your inner child turn green. Then it grows up within you. He is all green. You hug him (in my case) and melt him into you and then he grows up in the green color.
It completely fills your sense of self-confidence (in this example, may be somewhat different for you).
Next, with this good feeling, take a moment to think about that person you are "in love" with. And then feel for a moment how that feels now? Now that you have filled the hole in yourself.
Chances are you don't feel anything at all with that person now because it's filled up.
So then you don't have to search for someone who is as in love with you as you are with them. Instead, you can look for someone who loves you as you are, and someone you love as he or she is.
Of course, you need an appeal. There is, but it has nothing to do with falling in love.
That's often padding.
So examine for yourself if what I'm saying rings true for you. Do the exercise and indicate in the comments if it works for you.
Also watch this video:
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