Difficult people: how to deal with them.

Some people are difficult and have a negative influence on you. These can be people at your work or people you have personal relationships with such as friends and family members. Difficult people spread a kind of negative energy that makes many people feel worthless and can cause a lot of pain and suffering in relationships, sometimes referred to as toxic people[1]. Difficult people get angry easily, think they deserve special treatment and like to break normalcy.

Do you suffer from difficult people around you? Then this blog was written for you

Difficult people and your work

Unfortunately, difficult people at your work can hardly be avoided since you still have to make a living. The annoying thing about difficult people at work is that the negativity is contagious, making you unable to recognize yourself after a certain period of time. You copy, as it were, the difficult energy of other colleagues and before you know it, work sucks all the energy out of you[2].

If at all possible, try to avoid negative people at work. If you have the opportunity to work with someone else, do so.

Also, stay mindful of the behaviors you do and don’t want to exhibit. You can strengthen this awareness with hypnosis, for example, through hypnotic suggestions regarding your beliefs about what you do and don’t want to do at work. Consider, for example:

"I don't have to take pens home with me," he said.

"I only claim the hours I worked, even though I can get away with claiming more."

"I don't have to give mean criticism."

"Constructive criticism creates improvement, mean criticism creates uncertainty."

These are just a few examples. Depending on the problems at work you want to resist and the beliefs you have about what you want to be acceptable at work, a hypnosis expert can give you other suggestions to take home to work with during self-hypnosis. You then repeat these suggestions every day, or listen to them as you are given them on an mp3 from your hypnosis expert.

Difficult people and your relationship

A relationship with difficult people can become very nasty because the interactions are mostly negative. You have to think about not wanting to accept comments, bringing the partner down (back and forth), delivering too much negative criticism and showing contempt[3].

Difficult people also often manipulate their partners, and if this becomes too complicated it can still be difficult to resolve, then it can turn into emotional and physical abuse.

So pay attention to negativity in your relationship and don't let it go too far. After all, this can be passed on to children if there is any in your relationship.

Steps to address relationship issues in a healthy way:

Fortunately, there is a way to reduce negativity and that is by being clear about the problems you are having, what feeling it makes you feel and what you would like to change.

1. You describe the problem and actually how the other person behaves (if that is the problem).
2. You specify the feeling this gives you.
3. You state what you expect the other person to do to solve the problem and what you want to do yourself to solve the problem.
4. You also have the other person go through these 3 steps so you can also see what your partner thinks of the problem and whether they see the problem the same way or not.

Hypnosis helps

Setting your boundaries in a relationship and daring to name problems is important for turning negative people into positive people, as far as you can. Yet you may have a blockage to actually doing this. In that case, hypnosis can help remove that blockage and still start the conversation with each other.

One way hypnosis can help with this is with guided visualization. In that visualization, your imagination is stimulated so that you see before you how you solve a problem with a difficult partner or how you set your boundaries. Such a visualization increases the chance that you will actually carry out this behavior.

For example, a guided visualization for setting boundaries may take the following form:

"Your partner keeps blaming you for the clutter in the house, even though at least half of the clutter is his/her as well. You've had enough and go to prove your partner wrong. You say, "well then I'll clean up all my stuff and you'll see it's still a mess, but you can do that because it's only your stuff. I think you are also allowed to take responsibility". Then you pick up the stuff you need to clean up. Junk that can go away goes into a garbage bag, you feel the plastic and you hear the bag crackle every time you throw something away. The dishes get done. Musty and dirty clothes are thrown in the wash and you even do your first wash. You feel the fabrics and you smell the detergent as you work on it. It feels good to clean and, indeed, your partner has to admit that there is still some of his/her mess left."

This is just an example of a guided visualization. Depending on your problem and what you need to solve, a hypnosis expert may give you a different visualization.

Weapons against difficult people

Sometimes you just want to duct tape that annoying colleague to his desk so he can't bother anyone at all, but unfortunately that's not socially accepted and may even be punishable. So then you have to arm yourself against difficult people in other ways. There are a number of weapons you can develop yourself in dealing with difficult people, namely:

• Self Confidence
• Expertise
• Tranquilizers (from yourself, not a pill)
• You choose your emotion, not the other person

Difficult people are often terribly bad for your self-confidence. Criticism, criticism, and more criticism—nothing is ever good enough or up to par. These are behaviors that, if you aren’t very self-assured, can erode your self-confidence. That’s why it’s important to detach yourself from all criticism and decide for yourself what you’ll take to heart and what you won’t. A hypnosis expert can help you build resilience and strengthen your self-confidence.

Expertise

Having the right knowledge is especially important when dealing with difficult people at work. With that knowledge, you’ll have a comeback ready when someone thinks they know better than you—again. Do you usually wait until your employer offers you a course? Then don’t forget that this is your life, and you’re in control of it. Buy a book or decide for yourself which course you want to take. Your employer might still help cover the cost if you tell them you want to take a specific course or workshop, and they’ll appreciate your initiative.

Calming Yourself

Some interactions with difficult people are incredibly challenging and can make you feel anxious or even cause you to panic. Staying calm is sometimes the best thing you can do, especially when you have a difficult boss and you really have to have that tough conversation with him or her.

There are several ways to calm yourself during difficult moments, such as:

• Breathing through the belly
• Consciously relax your muscles
• Feeling your feet make contact with the ground
• Don't start fantasizing about the consequences of what your interlocutor is saying

These ways of relaxation help you stay in the here and now. Ultimately, tension is a result of your thoughts about what the consequences (may) be of the conversation. For example, if you're afraid of being fired when you're only being criticized, it's much more helpful to stay in the here and now so you can do something with that criticism in the future and thus avoid being fired.

Control your emotion

Who actually determines how you feel? The difficult person or you? By taking control of your emotions and choosing to be happy—or at least content—you’re already taking steps to gain control over the entire situation.

Another way to be in control of your emotions is not to act immediately during a difficult moment, but to respond consciously. You then make an informed decision about your response instead of being automatically carried away by the emotion the other person is evoking.

There are all kinds of difficult people in the world, and you can encounter them in many places. Fortunately, there are multiple ways to deal with a difficult person. Hypnosis can help you remain steadfast and, above all, choose your own response when dealing with difficult people.

Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works and how you can use it to help yourself or others? Then come to the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands for a hypnosis workshop or one of our training courses.

[1] TOXIC PEOPLE DECONTAMINATE DIFFICULT PEOPLE AT WORK, page ix.

[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201705/how-handle-the-most-toxic-people-in-your-life?collection=1123486

[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201901/toxic-is-the-number-one-word-in-2018?collection=1123486