Children who don't talk

Edwin Selij
February 13, 2019

Of course, children can't talk right after birth, but if they can and suddenly stop. Then that's a sign that something may be going on. In this blog, I discuss what you can do as a parent or hypnosis expert if your child stops talking

From when can children talk?

Children learn how language works as early as the womb. That is why it is so important to start communicating then and to pay attention to what you say and how you say it.

Children really start talking from the age of 1. This starts simply with short words in which your child wants to make it clear that they want something, such as to be lifted up. From about 2 years of age, your child also begins to utter short phrases. When your child is 3 years old he can have a reasonable conversation in a normal tone of voice.

Why won't a child talk to you?

So it is totally super if you can communicate with your child so that you know what is going on in him or her and no longer have to infer it from behavior or facial expression, although of course that remains important too. After all, 90% of communication is often still body language.

Still, it can be very annoying when your child suddenly decides he or she doesn't want to talk to you or doesn't want to talk about a certain topic.

Adolescents, in particular, may at some point decide to stop being open about certain topics. This is often because the topic evokes a negative emotion, such as:

It may also be that your child doesn't want to talk about this because he doesn't know how. This may actually lead to your child reacting super cranky to certain questions or getting angry out of nowhere and not only at you as a parent, but also at any siblings.

If you ask if there's anything, the answer is invariably "nothing," and your adolescent goes into his room or shifts focus to a screen.

If your child no longer sleeps well, can't stay asleep, eats little, avoids school, and no longer wants to participate in activities they previously enjoyed doing there may be real cause for concern and it may be wise to seek the advice of a psychologist or psychotherapist.

If your child is angry or has some other negative emotion that has nothing to do with you telling him/her to obey a rule, it is wise to first check which emotion your child is suffering from, so that you can name it and your child feels safer discussing the source of the emotion with you. In doing so, you also help your child recognize the emotion he/she is suffering from.

For example:

"I can see you're sad, but then you don't have to stomp up the stairs. Come for tea and we'll talk about it."

Or

"I understand you're angry but then you can't just throw everything on the floor. Pick up your coat and then come talk to me. Get you a cup of tea with it."

It is also not the intention to try to take away the emotion. It is better then to show understanding. "I would also be sad if my boyfriend broke up with me." Or "I would also be angry if I got a low grade on that group project when I had done my best and everyone else didn't." By showing this kind of understanding rather than trying to resolve the emotion, your child is more likely to actually tell you more about what is going on inside him/her.

You don't have to worry about misinterpreting emotion. Chances are your child will then correct you or deny what it is. Then you can make a try with another emotion afterwards[1].

If you find it difficult to address your child in this way, a hypnosis expert can help you by visualizing how to do this and how to control your own emotions in this moment so that your attention can go fully to your child.

Identity as a Parent

The identity you give yourself as a parent is also important for the conversations you have with your children. For example, beliefs about parenting can lead you to leave your child alone, even when they could really use some support at that very moment.

For example, some parents believe it’s important to be strict[2], in order to ensure that their child can cope in the adult world. Of course, there need to be rules, and your child needs to know that certain negative behaviors have consequences, but if this negative behavior is caused by an emotion and the child isn’t given the space to recognize that emotion, things can actually go off the rails.

For example, if there is only focus on normal behavior, such as not throwing clothes on the ground from anger, and thus no attention is paid to the cause of that anger because "everyone is angry sometimes and just behave" the child actually only learns how to contain that anger and not how to deal with it further. While it is common knowledge that bottling up emotion only eventually leads to a greater burst of emotion.

Beliefs about what good parenting means can therefore sometimes be good to figure out and change if they are getting in the way of your child's healthy development. Someone who has mastered hypnosis can help you with this. For example, with regression or having a Socratic conversation.

Through regression, you go back to the moment when you decided for yourself that being a strict parent was a good idea. Many beliefs, for example, can form during childhood when you really don’t know everything about the world yet. With your adult knowledge, you can reach very different conclusions. Through regression, you essentially evaluate the moment when the belief arose that being very strict is good and that you should definitely not talk about emotions. With your adult knowledge, that belief may suddenly seem a lot less logical than you ever thought.

This makes it much more likely that you will become less strict or at least give your child more guidance in dealing with emotions.

So another way is Socratic conversation where you also get to the core of your beliefs.

Changing behavior as a parent to get your child to talk

To then change your behavior as a parent in such a way as to encourage your child to talk to you, you can be given new beliefs in addition to a guided visualization that you can then repeat or listen to during self-hypnosis. These can then include beliefs such as:

"I'm allowed to be strict."

"Learning how to deal with emotions is also part of parenting," he said.

"I get to spend time with my child."

"I also get to have difficult conversations with my child."

"I am allowed to be vulnerable in front of my child."

"My child may know that sometimes I just don't know either."

"I may teach my child to ask for help with emotional problems."

These are just examples of beliefs you can repeat during self-hypnosis. Your hypnosis expert can also record them in the you form and then you can listen to them during self-hypnosis. Usually there is then also a guided visualization on it and an induction to get under hypnosis and a technique to get you "out" of hypnosis again.

If your child no longer wants to talk to you, it is often related to negative emotions. It is important then to give recognition to that emotion and show understanding of the emotion. This can be done by empathizing with your child or by telling your child about a moment you have had which put you in the same emotional state as your child. This makes your child feel more understood, and because you are making yourself vulnerable, it is more likely that your child will also show what he/she is struggling with.

If you find it difficult to do so, a hypnosis expert can help you get rid of this discomfort. This can be done, for example, by first practicing such an emotional conversation with a guided visualization or by identifying and changing beliefs that block you from being vulnerable toward your child.

Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works and how you can use it to help yourself or others? Then come to a hypnosis workshop or sign up for one of the courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands. Ask about the online options if that suits you better.

 

[1] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/201902/why-wont-you-talk-me

[2]https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1533-8525.2004.tb02304.x