Stop trying to work on yourself. You’re already great

The illusion of “improvement”

We hear it everywhere, ad nauseam: “You need to work on yourself.” As if you were some kind of misbehaving car that needs to go to the garage for a major tune-up, or a model kit with a few loose screws here and there.

As if there’s something fundamentally wrong with you and you’re only worth it once you’ve “fixed” yourself. But let’s be completely honest with each other: which “self” are we actually trying to fix?

Are you going to grab your happy self? No, that one’s already happy—it doesn’t need anything done to it at all. Then your angry self? What are you supposed to do with that—get even angrier? Or are we just supposed to force ourselves to be that happy self all the time?

It’s a persistent misconception. We don’t consist of a single, fixed, unchanging “self” at all. We are a diverse, colorful collection of roles and facets. You talk to your baby in a very high-pitched, endearing voice (“poekie poekie”), but I bet you don’t do that at the butcher’s?

At the butcher shop, you’re in your automatic grocery-shopping trance: standing neatly in line, waiting your turn. And with your friends, you’re a completely different person than when you’re in a serious, business meeting.

You’re constantly switching roles throughout the day. And that’s not because you’re broken. That’s simply how human life works[1].

This wonderful insight is also supported by modern behavioral science. Human experiences and identities are, in fact, incredibly flexible. They are constantly shaped by the context in which we find ourselves and the language we use, rather than being based on a single static, unshakable core.

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You already have the skills; you’re just using them the wrong way

People often come to us with the firm conviction: “I need to become more assertive; I’m way too shy.” Or they say: “I can never handle confrontations; I have to work really hard on that.”

When you say things like that about yourself, you’re actually stigmatizing yourself, even though that’s completely unnecessary. You’re putting an unnecessary label on your own forehead. Because the point is: that’s simply nonsense. You’re already very assertive—just not in every situation.

Maybe you completely avoid confrontation with your strict parents or your partner, but back in the day, at a party (after a few drinks), you could hold your own and speak your mind just fine. Or maybe you’re the picture of calm at work and handle the biggest crises, but at home you explode over every little, trivial thing.

So this skill has been part of your system for a long time. You’ve just linked it to a very specific context.

This realization immediately brings a sense of deep relaxation. You’re not broken. There’s absolutely nothing that needs fixing. The only thing you need to do is explore: where am I already doing this? With which people or in which situations am I able to be vulnerable, stand up for myself, or speak calmly? And what exactly is the difference between those situations and the ones where it apparently doesn’t work?

The trainer versus at home

I know this principle better than anyone from my own practice and life. When I’m on stage giving a presentation or leading a large training session, I’m in a very specific role. In that role as a trainer, I feel incredibly empowered. Then I can communicate with crystal-clear clarity, I dare to say things, I can be delightfully provocative at times, and people actually take it from me.

In fact, they love it—people often say it’s like a stand-up comedy show.

But would I act like that at the butcher’s? No, of course not. And would I act like that at home in the living room with my own family? They’d look at me, lean back, and think, “What are you up to now? Act normal for once!”

My own pitfall used to be exactly this: I didn’t bring all those powerful skills from my role as a trainer home with me. At home, I was more easily hurt, communication was more strained, and I suddenly found it very difficult to talk calmly about my deeper feelings.

Until it finally clicked: I’m not incapable at all. I’ve been able to do it all along; I was just doing it unconsciously in a completely different context. I was stigmatizing myself unnecessarily[2].

Once you realize that, the weight lifts off your shoulders. That’s true “relief”: the moment you realize deep down that everything is already okay. You don’t need to remake or change yourself.

Don’t “work on yourself”—learn skills instead

Of course, it’s a lot of fun to learn new things in life. Playing the guitar, learning to play the keyboard, or training yourself in useful skills to shift your thoughts more quickly. In our courses, we also teach people how to quickly change their emotions and communicate effectively.

But not because they’re broken!

If you want to learn to play the guitar and can’t get the chords right away, you don’t start thinking, “Oh no, there’s something wrong with my personality; I need to work on myself, ”do you? No, of course not. You work on your guitar playing. You practice the chords; you place your fingers on the right frets.

You also won’t spend hours worrying and thinking, “Why didn’t I pick up that guitar sooner?” just to find the deep-rooted historical cause of the problem. Instead, you’ll work directly on the solution: the practical skill of playing the guitar itself.

With short-term forms of therapy, such as solution-focused therapy or hypnotherapy, you work in a similar way to move directly toward the solution.

In his pioneering work in solution-focused therapy, Steve de Shazer demonstrated that focusing on exceptions and directly building solutions is far more powerful than endlessly digging into the past or the problem (source 2).

The same goes for standing up for yourself, channeling your emotions, showing vulnerability, or having a meaningful conversation. These aren’t fixed personality traits. They’re simply skills—just like learning a new language.

Did you never learn how to set healthy boundaries in the past? No problem at all—you can still learn that skill now. That still has absolutely nothing to do with your “true self.” Because you’re perfectly fine just the way you are.

The Scientific Perspective: Why It Makes Sense

When we look at what science has to say on this topic, we see that this philosophy aligns beautifully with modern psychology. The idea that you are not defined by a single, rigid identity, but that thoughts and behavior are flexible, forms the core of the Relational Frame Theory developed by Steven C. Hayes, Dermot Barnes-Holmes, and Bryan Roche.

They demonstrated that language and context determine how we behave, and that pinning ourselves down with labels like “I’m broken” or “I need to change” actually backfires.

In addition, it aligns seamlessly with Steven C. Hayes’ work on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) (source 2). There, you learn that fighting against your own internal content (the thought that you’re broken) only drains your energy. By stopping that self-reproach, space is created for psychological flexibility.

And as Steve de Shazer described as early as 1985 in his groundbreaking work *Keys to Solution in Brief Therapy*, you don’t need to make complicated reconstructions of what went wrong. By looking at where the desired skill or behavior is already present (the exceptions), you immediately activate the ability you already possess[3].

Stop trying to “remodel” yourself

So let go of that exhausting idea of “I have to work on myself” right now. Throw it over the fence. Your “self” is absolutely great—there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Instead, choose something where you’re simply practicing skills. Want to get better at soccer? Go practice on the field. Want to master hypnotherapy? Go learn the skills.

And yes, by applying those skills, you might generally become more resourceful, smarter, or feel a lot happier in many more different situations. But you don’t do that because you’re broken inside; you do it because life becomes a lot more fun and easier the more useful tools you have in your toolbox.

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