Why fear of becoming a father is normal (And what you can do about it)

Fear of becoming a father you don't have, you do it. And you do it in good company. Between around a third of all expectant fathers do exactly the same thing. A small proportion of them even do severe fear of childbirth. So you are definitely not the only one doing this.

Now you may be thinking, "Okay, but what good does that do me?" Well, quite a lot actually. Because if you do it, you can also do something else. That's the beauty of it.

This phenomenon is occurring worldwide and is being taken more and more seriously by researchers. Some men go so far as to have their bodies participate. They then develop the "couvade syndrome," where they physically and emotionally move along with their partner's pregnancy [2]. Recent research shows increasingly clearly that male involvement in pregnancy is much more biological than we thought [2].

Why am I telling you all this? Because this fear is perfectly normal and because you can do something about it. We'll talk about fatherhood, childbirth and raising your child. You'll also discover how techniques like hypnosis and self-hypnosis can help you get rid of this fear and face your new role as a father with more confidence.

Because that's what I grant you: that you become a father with confidence instead of fear.

How do you recognize that you do fear of becoming a father?

Many men don't even notice they are doing it. You think it's normal to feel this way, but actually you're doing insecurity. And that's fine, because almost every father-to-be does it. Let's take a look at how this manifests itself.

"Am I good enough?"

You raise doubts about whether you will be a good father. This may sound vague, but it expresses itself very concretely. You think things like, "Will I be able to handle a baby?" or "What if I do something wrong in changing?" Maybe you also do financial worries: "Do I earn enough?" Or you wonder if you will have enough "fatherhood."

Interestingly, these insecurities are often not about you at all. Sometimes you miss examples from your own childhood and think, "My father didn't do this, so I can't do it either." Or you compare yourself to societal expectations of how a father "should" be. It may also be that your partner seems quite ready while you are not yet there. Then you are distancing yourself instead of connecting.

But let's face it: who got a manual on fatherhood? No one, right?

You renounce pregnancy

There’s an interesting difference here between men and women. Your partner physically carries the baby, while you’re more on the sidelines. Research shows that men often feel left out because they don’t experience the physical changes themselves.

Women often go more inward, into their own "pregnancy bubble." Men do just the opposite: they plunge into work, sports, or socializing. As if they want to "live" a little longer before everything changes. This can cause tension, with one in five couples experiencing relationship problems during pregnancy [1].

Do you understand what's happening here? You do flight behavior while she turns inward. You are moving away from each other, so to speak, when in fact you need each other.

Worrying and poor sleep

A very clear sign: you lie awake at night and your mind is working overtime. You’re the one doing the worrying—it doesn’t just happen to you. Research shows that men who sleep poorly are at a higher risk of depression [2]. About 13.3% of expectant fathers experience symptoms of depression [2].

Men often peak differently than women. Whereas women mull more emotionally, men do it task-oriented. They mull over deadlines, whether they have accomplished enough, whether they will make ends meet financially. For example, you might think up doomsday scenarios or ruminate on what happened in the past.

You know that? You lie in bed and your brain spins off scenarios: "What if I lose my job?" "What if childbirth goes wrong?" "What if I'm not a good father?" You do all these stories in your head about things that usually never happen.

Now I get that you're thinking, "I don't do that, it just happens." But brooding is really something you do. Just like you do your breathing or your heart beats. You may have learned to fret, but you can also learn not to.

Does it get too overwhelming? Are you keeping yourself up at night? Then it's wise to seek help. Because that too is ownership: recognizing when you need support.

What happens when you do fear

When you do anxiety about fatherhood, it doesn't stay with you. It permeates everything around you. And that makes sense, because you are not alone in the world.

Your relationship will also be affected

One in five couples experience relationship problems during pregnancy. This is often because you are moving at different rates with what is happening. Your partner may already be thinking of names and decorating the baby's room, while you are still nostalgic for your life before this baby.

You are like two trains to the same destination, but one runs faster than the other. That creates tension. That's why regular "platform moments" are so important. These are moments when you tell each other where you are now in this whole process. The important thing is that you respect each other's pace.

Your mental health is going to suffer

Prospective fatherhood comes with quite a bit of mental pressure. About 7% of new fathers experience depressive symptoms, especially between three and nine months after giving birth. In men this manifests itself differently than in women, namely not so much as gloom, but more as irritability, outbursts of anger or just complete withdrawal.

Even more annoying: if your partner also becomes depressed, your chances of doing so increase as well. Then you will both be in trouble. And men are less likely to seek help, so you end up with those symptoms for longer than necessary.

Preparation for childbirth is also changing

Your anxiety also affects how you prepare for childbirth. Women with childbirth anxiety are more likely to choose medical interventions such as pain relief or a cesarean section. You play an important role in this. Your fears can amplify your partner's, and that in turn affects what choices you make.

Fortunately, there are effective methods for dealing with these fears, such as mindfulness and hypnosis techniques. We’ll talk about that in a moment—how hypnosis can help you face this period with greater confidence.

Hypnosis helps you get rid of that fear

Now I'm talking about hypnosis and you may be thinking, "Hang on, Edwin, that's all vague stuff, right?" I thought so too, until I started working with it myself. Hypnosis just works, we have since found out. It's also being increasingly recognized within the medical community.

How hypnosis actually works

Hypnosis is not a mysterious trance, but a state of deep relaxation in which you remain focused. You actually experience this every day. Do you know that feeling when you’re so engrossed in a book that you don’t hear someone speaking to you? That’s it.

Those fears you do? Those are anchored in your subconscious by stories from others or images from the media. "Fatherhood is tough," "Childbirth is bound to go wrong," "I can't change a baby," these are all ideas you've picked up. Under hypnosis, you can turn those around to confidence and positive thoughts.

The beauty is: once that fear is removed, your body can function naturally without blockages. You remain in complete control of your body and thoughts. No one can make you do what you don't want to do.

Self-hypnosis: daily practice for greater confidence

Self-hypnosis can be learned and applied at home. Through focused visualizations, your subconscious brain gets used to the father role even before the baby arrives. Very practical actually.

Try these exercises:

• Visualize yourself holding, nursing or comforting your baby
• Use relaxation exercises to reduce stress
• Work with positive affirmations about your abilities as a father

Repeat daily, even if it's only five minutes. You will then strengthen your connection with your future child and increase your ability to experience loving feelings when the baby arrives.

Your role during childbirth

As a partner, you are crucial during a delivery with hypnosis. You protect your partner's private bubble of positivity and calmness. Very concretely, you can help by:

Gentle back massage during contractions you practiced in pregnancy. You make sure relaxation audio plays when she wants it and offer regular water. Creating a soothing environment with lavender oil also helps.

But most importantly? Just being there. Your continuity of care throughout childbirth provides support and confidence. That's your strength.

The science behind hypnosis

If you think it's all a bit floaty, I get that. But the numbers don't lie. Brain scans show that hypnosis causes measurable changes in brain activity. The prefrontal cortex becomes more active. That's the part responsible for focus and self-control. At the same time, the "default mode network" involved in brooding becomes less active.

A meta-analysis showed that people who received hypnosis experienced more anxiety reduction than 79% of those who did not receive hypnosis. At later follow-up, the results were even better: 84%.

So yes, hypnosis really does work. It's not a panacea, but it can help you face this new phase of life with more confidence.

How to become a father with confidence

Becoming a father is not something you do perfectly, you just do it. And that's enough. In fact, if that father feeling is not immediately overwhelming, it doesn't mean anything at all. You don't become a bad father. That bond often just grows gradually and that's fine. Here are a few practical things you can do to face your parenthood with more confidence.

Learn how to bond with your child

Fathers do this differently than mothers. Where mothers often care, fathers play. Both are valuable, so don't worry if you are different.

Start with skin-to-skin contact with your baby. They also call it "pouching," and it really works. Your baby feels your skin, hears your heartbeat and smells your body odor. So simple, so effective.

Also, look at your baby regularly. Babies don't talk yet, but they do communicate with their senses. Making eye contact literally builds rapport. Your voice also helps; your baby already recognizes it from the womb.

Keep your expectations realistic

There’s no such thing as the perfect parent. Just let go of that idea. Accept that things sometimes don’t go the way you planned. You’re not failing—you’re learning. Many fathers feel ill-prepared for just how exhausting parenting can be. That makes perfect sense.

I myself tell my children often enough that I am doing this for the first time.

Take care of yourself

This is not a luxury, this is a necessity. An exhausted father helps no one. Start with the basics: exercise, eating well and getting enough sleep. Sounds simple, but do it.

Don't forget your hobbies. Go play guitar, garden or read that book you've been working on for ages. You need time for yourself to be a good father and partner. That's not selfishness, that's common sense.

Technology can help

More than 70% of Dutch hospitals are already using virtual reality in healthcare. It helps against pain, anxiety and stress. There are also apps that can help you understand baby language better. Use what works for you.

Keep talking

Talking about your feelings is not weakness. It is strength. Don't suddenly shut down after giving birth. Stay in conversation with your partner. Ask regularly how things are going and what you can do for each other. Your child will learn from this + openness about emotions is a gift you pass on.

It's not about perfection. It's about being there, trying and loving. You'll learn the rest along the way.

You can find this

Becoming a father is an emotional roller coaster for many men. Fear, doubt and uncertainty are perfectly normal reactions when you are told you are going to be a father. But now you also know that you can overcome these feelings and begin your new role with confidence.

Hypnosis and self-hypnosis are powerful tools in this regard. By regularly applying self-hypnosis, you accustom your subconscious to your future role as a father. Visualizations in which you see yourself holding or comforting your baby help strengthen the bond with your child even before birth. Hypnotherapy is scientifically based and gives measurable results in reducing anxiety.

During childbirth, you as a partner play an important role. You create a safe environment and provide continuity of care. Afterwards, your bond with your child gradually grows through skin-to-skin contact, eye contact and play. These bonding processes happen differently in fathers than in mothers, but are just as valuable.

Self-care remains essential throughout fatherhood. Set realistic expectations for yourself and make time for rest, proper nutrition and relaxation. Technological tools such as apps or VR hypnosis can provide additional support.

Successful fatherhood is not about perfection but about presence, commitment and love. Your father instinct may develop gradually, but that doesn't mean you won't be a great father. Openness about your emotions shows not weakness but strength - a valuable trait that you will also pass on to your child.

That fear of becoming a father thus becomes an opportunity for personal growth and a deeper connection with your partner and child. You are more than capable of this new role. And who knows, maybe you'll discover that that fear you did was actually not as great as you thought at all.

Because you can do this. You really can.

Learn hypnosis to help yourself or fathers

Do you want to help yourself or expectant fathers deal with their feelings? Then hypnosis can be incredibly valuable. Come join our free masterclass to get started.

Or come to one of our events or training courses.

If you have a question about our training, schedule a 1-on-1 consultation here .

Sources:

[1] - https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/brb3.2802
[2] - https://www.semanticscholar.org/reader/83b1dccc357429f0493cea4e7dd69d6f9553766d