Some time ago, I ran into an old acquaintance I knew from back in the day. When we both had slightly different lives than we have now. Then we were both in big trouble. We almost drove ourselves to death by whatever means we took. Fortunately, that didn't happen, but we did go to quite a few parties that lasted until late in the morning, and sometimes we just went on night after night.
The funny thing is that now we both have very different lives.
He is now in the corner of online marketing. This is also one of my passions. It's super fascinating how that works with the Internet and the opportunities out there. I love it.
Suddenly, he started talking about his son, who is 19, and he mentioned that he was suddenly changing tremendously. There was something about his son that was different. He suddenly wanted out and was angry and gloomy.
Of course, it's not a big deal that he suddenly wants out, but mostly that angry and gloomy he was worried about.
"Because you know Ed, when I was 19, that's actually when all the misery in my life started. I had a girlfriend who was first with my best friend, which was not a very convenient move. Because she later went back to that friend and we got into a fight. It broke my heart and I was seriously on the verge of killing myself. After that I sank into a huge depression. A little later I met you and only got more depressed hahaha, no of course not that. You know what happened then"
So he was doing that then to suppress all those feelings and we found each other in that subconsciously. Because I didn't really know that about him at the time that it was so intense.
He says, "Yes exactly, but I see the same thing happening to my son now. As if history is repeating itself. His ex is now with his best friend. Who has a car, my friend also had a car. That period there was someone at my school who hung himself. What do you think? At his school last week too! And the most bizarre thing, I'm giving a webinar and is that girl I was with at the time was suddenly on that webinar. Scared the hell out of me. And then I realized, I'm passing on my history. At least it seems that way. Is that possible?"
Yes you can. If you don't solve it you pass it on to your son. And you can guess what will happen to that son. He also indicated that he was feeling the pain again and then I suggested that we resolve it.
Then I did a regression. We went back to the very first moment when the problem arose and we resolved that pain so he got rid of it.
Later, he calls me. He says "Guess what, my son comes up to me, puts his arms around me and says, You're actually a cool guy. He's never done that before."
You don't change just for yourself. You do it for the generations before and after and if you want to know what this is like for you. Whether you have something to work on or through.
Then look at your children. If you find that they have problems, chances are very high that they got it from you.
With me, it all comes from my wife 😉 and with you probably from your partner too, but maybe not.
So check with yourself, for before you send your kids to all kinds of fear of failure training or give pills to make your kids feel better. That may be symptom relief.
I believe that when you resolve your old pain or sadness within yourself. Your old grief or frustration, then you resolve it for your family. For your children and for your parents, even retroactively. That's so important.
Who is responsible for children's behavior?
Most people are completely unaware of this.
Who look at their children and think "yes children do like this", they do, but they do "you". It is much easier to shrug it off, that it is your children's responsibility. At a certain age it is too, but is it?
Or is it just your responsibility?
It's nobody's fault. It's nobody's fault. It's not the fault of that acquaintance of mine who started to feel that way. Maybe that came from his parents, too.
Maybe his grandfather's again, or even further. But I do know that it is now also retroactively resolved.
This is so powerful and it fascinates me immensely how everything is passed on. Mindsets, rules, ideas about relationships, and life. Rule ideas how you treat people and the world. All those rules your kids do too.
When I look at my son, he is very calm in class. So was I. When he has to present something he becomes very different, he becomes like me.
Like when I start presenting, I become the entertainer, comedian, inspirer. In a group I am introverted. On a stage I'm not, that's when I'm different. Still myself, but so is my son. He does me.
When you are aware of that and you look around you and you relate it more to yourself, who do I do? And you solve it, then wonderful things happen. Suddenly things are different.
For me, this whole idea was very confronting. It does represent an opportunity to heal or transform something that can keep your next generation from having to deal with it. It's more than personal development, but family development.
Also listen to this podcast
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/1043790-generationele-ontwikkeling
Influence of parents on older children
Even scientists indicate that the method of parenting affects older children, like that 19-year-old son. In young adults, it appears that a supportive way of parenting, rather than a controlling way of parenting, causes children to be more resilient to the influence of negative peers[1].
Also, when looking at parents with obvious trauma, such as sexual abuse, there is a correlation with children externalizing their problems[2]. This means that children of parents with trauma are more likely to blame other people for their problems and are more likely to exhibit aggressive behavior.
Now I'm going to speculate for a moment, but that major traumatic event may be blamed by parents for all the problems in their lives. Who may then think "if I didn't have that sexual trauma I would have everything right". In a sense, however understandable, this is externalizing their problems. For example, sexual trauma does not have to affect success in your job, but of course it can affect it if it happened during a side job.
The cool thing is that solving one's own problems also affects children's mental health. This has been studied with working parents. If parents had conflict, for example, due to an imbalance in the work-home situation, this had a negative impact on children's mental health. If parents, it did not matter whether it was the mother or father, were able to resolve those problems then the children's mental problems also resolved[3].
It is difficult for science to examine whether children "exactly" copy their parents' lives at some point. For example, in the case of that friend of mine, this also depends on when they ask the question, because before the age of 19 nothing was wrong, and whether solving one's own problems then subsequently solves the problem in children.
But if like me you do a little research you do see that having an obvious trauma also affects how your children deal with problems, namely guilt from the outside world or the trauma because this is what many people with trauma do.
You can also see in the research on work-life problems that solving them solves mental problems in children. So in that sense, you could say that solving your own problems is also scientifically something that solves problems in children.
Want to know how to use hypnosis to solve problems? Then come to a hypnosis playshop where you will learn how to hypnotize people and see an example of a hypnosis session. The playshops are held in Wormerveer and Zwolle.
Just want to get started for a few days and see and experience what hypnosis can do? Then come to a hypnosis seminar.
Instead, do you feel the need to get started right away and learn techniques such as regression? Then sign up for one of our trainings. The trainings are given in Zwolle, Wormerveer or online.
[1] https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/1467-8624.7402017
[2] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07317107.2019.1599255
[3] https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0277953617306238
