Why You Should Never Beat a Dead Horse (and What Actually Works When Someone Doesn’t Want to Change)

Today, let’s talk about one of the biggest frustrations for therapists, coaches, trainers—and really anyone who’s ever tried to help someone else move forward: people who say they really want to change, but in reality… don’t want to change at all .

You’ll recognize them right away. They’re sitting across from you in the therapy room, leaning back and saying, “Edwin, I really want to get rid of my problem.” But from everything—their gaze, their energy, their entire body language—you can sense that, in reality, there’s not a shred of intrinsic motivation to be found. They aren’t motivated in the slightest, or they’ve simply been sent by someone else.

And believe me, if you’ve been in this field for a while, I have a golden rule for you: stop flogging a dead horse.

It may sound harsh, but in this article, I’ll explain exactly why helping unmotivated clients is a waste of everyone’s time, what the secret is behind so-called “secondary gains” and unconscious positive intent, and how you can actually get people back on track.

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"My partner wants me to quit smoking..."

Take, for example, the classic case: quitting smoking.

Someone walks into your office. You ask, “What brings you here?”

And the answer starts with that infamous little phrase: “Well, I do want to quit, but…”

And here we go again. “...but my wife thinks I should stop.” Or: “My partner booked this session for me.”

Do you know what my best tip is in a situation like that?

I’ll just say, very dryly, “Send your partner here.”

Then they look at me: “Huh? My partner?”

“Yes,” I say, “then I’ll just hypnotize your partner so he or she can handle your smoking just fine. It might cost a little extra, but hey, you’ll get something out of it!”

I actually once had a client who was considering it and said, “Seriously, Edwin? Is that really possible? Well, I don’t actually think that’s such a crazy idea!”

Great. So now you know enough. End of session! After all, why should we continue? Keep smoking. What do I care? Do you care? No? That’s fine, then! So why would you spend your hard-earned money on an intervention or hypnosis session to get rid of something you don’t really want to get rid of deep down?

People who aren’t 100% motivated are simply much harder—if not impossible—to help[1].

Look, 80% motivation is already questionable. At 70%, it gets downright shaky. But if it’s 50/50 or lower, with an undertone of “actually, I don’t really want to quit smoking at all” or “actually, I kind of like that anxiety”… then you might as well just go home. Come back when you’re really ready.

The hidden benefit of a problem (secondary gain)

In addition to a lack of motivation, there is another extremely important mechanism that causes people to sometimes say they want to change, but subconsciously simply cannot. We call this “secondary gain”[2], meaning there is still far too much benefit to be gained from maintaining the problem.

I’m going to tell you a true story from nearly twenty years ago.

Back then, special programs allowed people to stop working early and retire around age 57. I was referred a client by the municipality. He suffered from severe anxiety that prevented him from working and left him on welfare. The municipality was willing to spend a tremendous amount of money to get him back to work, because once his anxiety was gone, his benefits would be terminated and he would have to re-enter the workforce.

I didn’t know any of that and let the city completely take me for a ride. I thought, quite confidently, “I’ll help him get rid of it in just one session.” They asked how much it would cost; I quoted what was, at the time, a ridiculously high amount of 1,200 guilders, thinking they’d never accept it—and within a minute, they said, “Deal, let’s do it.”

Of course, a huge red flag should have gone off at that point, but anyway, I went there.

And as soon as I walked in and looked at that man, I knew right away: Edwin, you’ve fallen for it hook, line, and sinker. This man didn’t want to get rid of his fear at all. He had built up a file several meters thick and a complete body of evidence explaining why he absolutely could not be helped. Why?

Because overcoming his fear meant he would lose his generous benefits and have to go back to working forty hours a week right before retirement. The “gain” from his fear was many times greater than the gain from recovery!

Of course, I had a good conversation with that man, but I didn’t push treatment on him. There was far too much profit to be made from his problem.

As a coach or therapist, you want nothing more than to help people get started. But remember: they have to want it themselves. Is there insufficient motivation, or is that subconscious resistance blocking the change? Stop trying.

The Power of Letting Go

One of the very best things you can do with a hesitant client is to show them the door. Just say:

“We’re not going to do it today. Go home and don’t come back until you’re 100% motivated.”

I once did this with a man who came in to quit smoking but was clearly dragging his feet. I said, “Friend, this isn’t going to happen today. You don’t really want to at all. Just go home; I don’t feel like dealing with this.” When you’re really ready to quit smoking, give me a call.”

Exactly one year later, he called. He came in for a single session and hasn’t taken a single puff of a cigarette since.

What had happened? He had spent an entire year reflecting on that rejection. He had unconsciously gone through his own process and built up his motivation[3]. When he walked back in, he needed only a very small nudge to finally transform.

The positive intention behind behavior

When someone is stuck with a problem, we should always look for the positive intention. What is the subconscious motive behind why a person’s brain or nervous system continues to perpetuate this problem or symptom[4]?

Every behavior and every symptom once served to protect or fulfill a certain core value. Often, this is something universal, such as safety, peace of mind, or boundaries.

In hypnotherapy, we see this all the time, even with physical symptoms like allergies or hay fever. That might sound bizarre to an outsider or seem completely irrelevant, but bear with me.

In the past, I helped hundreds of people overcome allergies. Almost without exception, such an allergy arose at a specific moment in childhood (around the ages of 8, 10, or 15) when the system felt a need for safety or protection. I would then ask such a client:

“That sense of security you lacked and sought as an eight-year-old… do you have that sense of security in your life now?”

In 99 out of 100 cases, people respond: “Yes, of course, I’m an adult; I’m not a child anymore. I have that sense of security now.”

Once the subconscious mind realizes that the underlying need has already been met, the symptom can be safely released.

Do you find an allergy to be an abstract example? Then consider fear of public speaking:

• What does the fear of speaking in front of a group get you? It means you don’t have to give a presentation.
• What are the benefits of not presenting? You feel safe and know you won’t be rejected or laughed at.

If you first ensure that sense of security in a different, more mature way, the old fear-based behavior is simply no longer necessary.

The Six Levers of Motivation

But what if someone does want to change but is just missing that final push? As a coach, therapist, or leader, you can adjust and stimulate motivation through six universal levers:

1. Experiencing pain: People only really take action when the status quo becomes too painful. Let them feel what it costs them if they don’t change.
2. Looking forward to the fun: Painting a clear, appealing picture of how wonderful life is without the obstacle.
3. Importance: Making the problem and the transformation the number one priority in their lives.
4. Mastery (Competence): Giving them the confidence—and helping them experience—that they themselves have the control and ability to resolve this.
5. Autonomy: Ensuring that the choice comes entirely from within, without pressure from partners, employers, or authorities.
6. Connection and purpose: Helping people experience how this change contributes to a greater purpose and deeper relationships with others.

Of all these levers, pain and pleasure (and in particular, making the pain of not changing clearly tangible) are the most effective at moving someone from 70% to 100% commitment.

The Final Conclusion

After all this, are you still unable to get someone to take action? Does someone continue to hesitate, complain, or shirk responsibility?

Do yourself—and your client—a favor: send them home.

Be honest: “Take a few weeks to really think about whether you truly want this and whether you’re willing to invest time and money in it. If not? No hard feelings, but I’m not going to help you as long as you’re not 100% committed.”

Change always begins with personal ownership. Only when someone makes the decision for themselves does the space for true magic emerge.

Helping people with hypnosis

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