Sex is an intimate moment and an activity that can strengthen the bond between you and your partner. The pheromones can do their work during sex, and all the positive substances released through sex can make you feel a sense of happiness and bond even further with your partner. For most people, making love is also an activity in which you live in the here and now for a moment, even if only 5 minutes. It is almost a hypnotic experience.
Unfortunately, sex is not automatically a fun activity for everyone and can also be frustrating, for example, if you suffer from vaginismus. Therefore, in this blog, I will discuss what vaginismus is and what you can do about it.
What is vaginismus?
If you suffer from vaginismus, the muscles around your vagina contract the moment someone wants to penetrate you. It doesn't matter if this is a finger, penis or toy. This is something you don't do consciously and it can be super frustrating as a result.
You actually feel like it, but your vagina apparently has a different opinion and locks itself in. It doesn't matter that you are super in love with the man of your dreams and want him badly. Your vagina just doesn't participate.
This can totally break the very connection that sex gives. The man may feel rejected by your vagina or "not good enough" because apparently he is not the key.
To ensure that you still have an enjoyable sex life, it is important to eliminate the cause of vaginismus so that you can relax again during sex and bond with each other.
Causes vaginismus
Vaginismus in some cases has a physical cause. For example, if you gave birth and were cut up, your vagina may have been stitched "too tight." Therefore, in some cases it may be helpful to have this checked by a doctor.
However, don't have a child, have you never been cut or reattached? If so, there are a number of psychological causes for vaginismus.
Anxiety
Fear of sex or fear of pain can cause you to suffer from vaginismus. Certain patterns within families can also cause vaginismus in later adulthood. For example, if you had a dominant father/mother with strict sexual morals, this can cause fear of sex in adulthood. Usually the father was also aggressive then.
Research also shows that women who were "the good girl" as children who always did what they were asked, found it difficult to express anger and needed approval are more likely to have vaginismus in adulthood.
Usually women with vaginismus also have the belief, subconscious or otherwise, that penetration is actually an act of aggression.
Other research shows that women who suffer from vaginismus often think sex before marriage is wrong or have been raised with the idea that sex is wrong.
Fear of pain, bleeding and the belief that the vagina is too small can also cause vaginismus.
In the process, women with vaginismus often have other fears unrelated to sex.
Pain
So fear of pain can cause you to suffer from vaginismus, but pain during sex can also cause the vagina to decide to lock up. It is still not always clear to scientists whether pain is the consequence or cause of vaginismus.
Emotions
Anxiety is already an emotion that can cause you to suffer from vaginismus. In addition, guilt about having sex is also a cause of vaginismus. People from strict religious backgrounds can sometimes suffer from this problem as a result.
Unpleasant sexual experience in the past
Many women with vaginismus have had an unpleasant experience with sex in the past. Either they have witnessed an aggressive sexual act or have been abused themselves.
Therapy for vaginismus
In the 1970s, a talk therapy was developed by Johnson and Masters that requires the husband and wife to come together. Thus, the couple receives therapy and not just the woman. In doing so, there is also a male and female therapist present. This talk therapy lasts 2 weeks and has a 93% success rate in terms of being able to have sex again as a woman and 83% also had orgasms again through sex. These are similar percentages to women who do not suffer from vaginismus.
To treat vaginismus, it is important that both partners are motivated to do something about it. It is a woman's problem, but if the partner does not participate, the relationship is not good, the chances of vaginismus passing are slim. For example, if your husband is authoritarian or unreliable, and if it turns out that's a problem during sex, it's important that he changes that. If he does not do this, it will be difficult to reduce vaginismus.
Oddly enough, women with vaginismus often find men who also have their own sexual problems. If the vaginismus is successfully treated, impotence and premature ejaculation can come to light. Because women with vaginismus avoid sex, this allows the man to get away with his own sexual problems more quickly. The advantage of treating the husband and wife is that his sexual problems are also treated.
If the cause is not in the relationship, it is important to work through other causes. For example, if you have unconscious beliefs about sex that are not helping you, it is important to identify and change them.
This is something a psychologist or hypnotherapist can help you with.
Seeing or experiencing sexual abuse is a traumatic event. If this is the cause of vaginismus, it is important to process this trauma and disconnect it from your current sexual life. This can be done with cognitive behavioral therapy(CBT) and with neuro linguistic programming (NLP). NLP is a technique that disconnects emotions from past events, allowing you to experience less negative emotions during sex.
Tips for relaxing during sex
There are multiple ways to relax during sex. Both before sex and during sex, you can try things to relax better and suffer less from the causes of vaginismus.
Tip #1: Use mindfulness in your relationship
Before having sex, it is important that the bond between you and your partner is good. Therefore, you can start by applying mindfulness within your relationship. By being mindful, you ensure that you improve the bond between the two of you and you don't just depend on sex for that.
Tip 2: Identify if you have negative beliefs about sex
If you have negative ideas about sex, such as that it is an invasion of your body, it is important to address this. For example, you can use self-hypnosis to repeat positive beliefs to dispel and weaken the negative beliefs. It is important to do this daily. For example, you can repeat the following phrases during self-hypnosis. Depending on your beliefs, this may already help, but you can also see a hypnotherapist first.
My vagina is made for babies so a penis fits.
My vagina is a place of warmth and love.
My vagina may be open to my partner.
The smell of sex is the pheromones of me and my partner.
Sex is natural behavior.
Tip 3: Find out if you have other fears outside of sex
Women with vaginismus often have other fears as well. For example, about their bodies or social fears or even a fear of blemishes. If you suffer from these, it is important to overcome these fears as well.
Tip 4: Agree on when to have sex
To relax properly, in some cases it is helpful to know when to have sex. If you have insecurities, you can then first do something to reduce that and make preparations. Moreover, you then know that you don't have to do anything else and therefore you can more easily enjoy the moment with your attention.
Tip 5: Create a relaxed mood (this tip is also for your partner)
Candles, fine fragrances, clean bedding, massage oil, lubricant, (small) toys. It can all help to relax and make foreplay as relaxing as possible.
Tip #6: Nothing must
If you want to make love with the idea that "it must succeed today" it is very difficult to relax. Just see how far you get and if it doesn't work out you can always help each other manually. The next time may already be better because it didn't have to succeed this time. This will make you feel less obligated to give access so it may actually succeed.
Want to learn more about mental techniques to make your life more enjoyable? Then come to a seminar, workshop or check out Hypnosis Institute Netherlands' trainings.
Sources:
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00926230600835189
http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2000-08960-006
http://www.karger.com/Article/Abstract/288324
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02674659708408199
http://www.tuleoffice.com/images/editor/File/pdf/book/IMPOTENCY/5%20(2).pdf#page=245
