Saying Yes, Feeling No: Why we actually fool ourselves all the time

Recognize that? That moment when someone asks you for something (a favor, a project, an evening of drinks you don't really have the stomach for at all) and before you know it, you blurt it out, "Yeah, sure, we do!"

And as those words leave your mouth, you feel it in your stomach. A knot. A sigh. A big, fat NO. Your system is screaming for peace, for boundaries, for authenticity. But your mouth?

You’re just enjoying being part of the social scene. You feel great, you’re looking forward to the day, but that beaming smile is missing just that little bit of spark because you’ve once again pushed past your own limits.

Today we go deep. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we keep saying "yes" while feeling "no"? There are a few fundamental reasons for this, and once you figure them out, you can finally put that internal autopilot on hold.

1. The primal fear: The herd and social pressure

Let’s be honest, ladies and gentlemen: we don’t want to be rejected. Period. Social pressure is a monstrously big deal. And that’s not surprising, because it’s hardwired into our system.

Imagine this: you say "no. You are the only one in the group who says "no. Then what happens in your brain? Panic! Because if you say 'no,' you run the risk of being excluded. You get kicked out of that WhatsApp group, you no longer belong at the coffee machine, and there you are: motherly alone.

Exclusion is our greatest fear and is also very painful[1]. It is a primal fear. In ancient times, in the time of hunters and gatherers, exclusion from the group simply meant death. If you were alone in the forest, you were eaten by a saber-toothed tiger.

So what did we do? We said yes. We stayed with the herd. That conditioning is still embedded in our primitive brain. The herd means safety. So we just say yes, even if it drains our own energy.

2. The "just do it" conditioning

Another big culprit is simply that we want to be liked. Pure conditioning, ladies and gentlemen.

Think back to the past. What did you often hear at school, or perhaps at home?

• "Ah, don't be so difficult."
• "Just say yes."
• "Well just join in."
• "Don't be annoying."

As a child, you learn very quickly: if I say “yes” and cooperate, I get approval. If I say “no” and do things my own way, it creates “trouble.” And we can’t stand trouble. We don’t want confrontation; we don’t want people to give us dirty looks[2].

At some point, you think: “Okay, you know what, I’ll just go along with it.” You choose the path of least resistance. Actually, that’s a form of self-hypnosis: you tell yourself that your “no” is less important than keeping the peace. But that confrontation you’re avoiding with the other person—you end up having it internally with yourself. And that drains your energy.

3. The Magic of Authority (The Suit vs. The Tramp)

This is a fascinating one, ladies and gentlemen. After all, we very often just do what an "authority" says. When the leader of the group suggests something, we are quick to think, "The leader will know, I'll follow."

There have been wonderful studies done on this phenomenon, for example about crossing a street. They had a man walk through a red light.

• Scenario A: The man is dressed as a bum. He is walking through a red light. What do you think? Hardly anyone follows him. People think, "What a pancake, he's out of his mind."
• Scenario B: The exact same man, but now in a sleek, groomed suit. An expensive briefcase, hair tucked back. He walks through a red light. And what happens? Suddenly more than half the group just walks along[3]!

That's the power of authority status. We are all susceptible to it. So when someone you (unconsciously) see as an authority asks something of you, that "yes" flashes out even faster. So think to yourself: am I saying yes because I really want it, or because I am sensitive to the other person's status?

4. The salami technique: consistency and commitment

This one is sneaky, ladies and gentlemen. Truly a psychological gimmick we all fall for: the drive for consistency.

Once we have said "yes" to something small, we are gigantically more likely to say "yes" to something big[4] (for purchases, this effect does diminish in some countries). I also explain this in my new book on parenting (yes, it's coming!). You can even use this with your children.

A survey was done where they asked people, "Would you like to put a small pamphlet behind your window saying 'Drive Quietly'?" Many people were fine with that. A small request, small effort. But then came the next step. They asked those same people if they wanted to put a giant, ugly sign in their front yard with that same text.

Among those who were asked directly for the board, 70% said no. But among the group who had first put up that little pamphlet? There, more than 60% suddenly said YES to that big sign!

Why? Because we want to be consistent with our past behavior. We’ve already shown that we value traffic safety, so if we now say “no” to that sign, it feels like a loss of face.

We persist in our “yes” to maintain our own self-image. You see this in politics as well: once people have formed an opinion, they almost never change it, even when the facts suggest otherwise. They want to remain consistent[5].

Question for you: Do you notice this in yourself? That you say yes to something just because you've already made a previous small commitment? Let me know in the comments, I'm really curious how this works for you!

5. Your brain is fooling you (Cognitive dissonance)

And then the bouncer: cognitive dissonance. Imagine, you've said "yes" to that project you don't actually have time for. You feel the "no" in your whole body. But yes, you did commit to it.

So what does your brain do? Your brain is a star at straightening out crooked things. "Well," says your brain, "it's actually good for my network, too. And I learn from it. And well, that vacation is in three months, then I can rest again."

Your brain resolves the pain of hearing “no” by rationalizing your behavior afterward. That’s comforting, because it makes you feel that internal struggle less , but it also makes it even easier for you to fall into the same trap next time.

Become the master of your own 'No'

Ladies and gentlemen, recognizing these patterns is the first step to freedom. Whether it's social pressure, fear of confrontation, authority status, or that urge to be consistent: these are all mechanisms you can break.

The next time someone asks you something, take a three-second pause. Feel in your body. Is it a "yes" from enthusiasm, or a "yes" from fear of exclusion?

Do you want to help people tap into their inner strength and say “no” more easily? Knowledge of hypnosis is incredibly useful. Come to the free masterclass for an introduction.

Or sign up right away for one of the HIN’s events and training programs. You can take the training in a classroom setting, or participate live in the lessons via an internet connection. It’s just like being there in person.

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