Gossiping: what to do?

Gossiping, it is actually an important part of the functioning of a society. It provides social control, but it can be used in a wrong and even malicious way. Gossiping can make or break you. What do you do when you are gossiped about, or when you can't stop gossiping

Gossiping meaning

Generally, gossiping is talking about someone behind their back. It usually has a bad message about that person; it is also referred to as slander.

Why do people gossip?

We are social animals, which means we live together in groups. On top of that, we’re also hierarchical. This means we generally believe in the social ladder. When you gossip about someone else, the goal is often to bring that person down so that you can climb higher on the social ladder. It is, therefore, a form of indirect aggression.

In addition, gossiping also has another more fun function. In fact, research shows that gossiping in groups makes the person being gossiped about participate better with the group. In the case of group projects, gossiping about the person who is not really participating can cause that person to participate as much as those who are not gossiped about.

In doing so, it also helps with gaining knowledge about other people, strengthening your social ties with the people you gossip with.

So gossiping can be something you do for your own gain or just to get the whole group on board in undertaking a group task. Or to improve ties with your group and gain knowledge from group members without asking them directly.

Gossip and culture

What is gossiped about often depends on the culture you live in. Gossiping also has the function of helping people conform to the unwritten rules of a group in which one lives.

This is why in some cultures there is gossip about who is dating whom and whether this is as it should be or not. In some cultures, this is paid more attention than in others.

For example, it may well be the case that in Germany you are gossiped about if you only work part-time as a mother while in the Netherlands you are gossiped about if you work full-time as a mother. It depends on what the norm is in the country or region you live in.

This gossiping then provides a teaching moment on how to learn from mistakes other people make so you don't make them.

In high school, for example, people gossip about which boys are players, so you as a girl don't lose heart and waste time on that.

Gossiping in the workplace

So, gossiping has both good and bad sides. Gossiping in the workplace has both sides as well; research also shows that, depending on other factors at work, gossiping can either boost your productivity or, conversely, completely demotivate you from doing anything at all. It can even lead to burnout.

Dealing with Gossiping

If you are the victim of gossip, it is time to consider why you are being gossiped about. Are you indeed doing less than your colleagues or is someone concerned with their own sense of the social ladder and you are (apparently) higher up there.

In general, worrying about what other people at work think of you leads to more stress. So one of the first things you can do is ignore the gossip—though that’s easier said than done, of course.

To let this bother you less, you can practice mindfulness. When you think about the people who are gossiping, shift your focus to the here and now—where those people aren’t and have no influence on how you do your work or anything else. After all, if you’re doing your job well, how reliable is the gossip? Not at all!

If someone gossips about you in front of you, you can indicate that you would prefer that they discuss such matters privately with you. Don't get an apology? Then keep insisting on the private conversation, you will come across as professional and the other person as a total aso.

Also, keep exuding self-confidence. Good posture can go a long way toward stopping gossip. If you’re confronted with gossip, act as if it doesn’t affect you. Is it true? Then you can admit it and say that you don’t care. If it isn’t true, you might quickly slip into denial, which comes across as defensive. In that case, just ignore it and keep doing your job well.

To boost your self-confidence, it can help to strike a “power pose” for 2 minutes before work. This really helps you feel better.

In the process, hypnosis can also help you improve your self-confidence, making your shield against gossiping stronger.

Stop Gossiping

Are you someone who gossips a lot and wants to stop? If so, that’s actually quite helpful. Research on leadership shows that people who score high on the desire to help others and low on the tendency to gossip often play a greater role in an organization than people who gossip a lot and have a low tendency to help others.

Therefore, it is helpful to do something about gossiping if you do speak badly of someone else very often.

Tip #1: Realize what you are doing to the other person

In education, gossiping is addressed. Usually in elementary school you learn to recognize emotions in other people and to have empathy for those other people, for example, by empathizing with their situation.

Put yourself in the shoes of the person you are gossiping about. How would you feel about being that person?

Through your own empathy, you can already do a lot to stop gossiping.

Tip 2: Practice stopping gossiping

Adolescents learn by practicing and role-playing. This is also something you can do with hypnosis. During hypnosis, you learn by visualizing situations and by controlling your reaction to emotions.

For example, you may find it scary not to join "the group." That fear then causes you to quickly add a gossip, too, because it makes you feel less stressed.

During a guided visualization, a hypnosis expert teaches you other ways to get rid of that tension than joining in with gossiping. In the process, you visualize ways to stop the gossiping, for example by saying something positive about someone. Because your imagination is stimulated, you are more likely to behave positively.

Tip 3: Find out the cause

When you know why you gossip, you can do something about that cause. A good way hypnosis can help you identify the cause for gossiping is by having a Socratic conversation. During this conversation, you are asked why you do something and then why you think that and then it continues until you get to the core of your beliefs.

Another way to get to the root cause is through regression. With regression, you go back to the moment when a certain belief originated—the one that’s now causing you to gossip.

Tip 4: Post-hypnotic suggestions

A post-hypnotic suggestion causes your behavior to change after you have had hypnosis. For example, you can get a post-hypnotic suggestion that when you are triggered to gossip you will actually say something positive about someone. That doesn't necessarily have to be about the person being gossiped about, but it allows the mood at that moment to move toward something more positive.

A post-hypnotic suggestion is usually given at the end of a guided visualization and may take the following form, for example:

"When you notice gossiping you look for something positive to say about a person. This can be about anything, from work to appearance to that person's car. It doesn't matter, as long as it's positive."

So gossiping has advantages and disadvantages, and if you find that you are gossiping mainly to get higher in a hierarchy yourself, it is not helpful at all. Then it is better to start helping other people. Fortunately, there are many ways to stop gossiping, such as empathizing with the other person or start talking about the positive aspects of someone in order to turn the negative atmosphere of gossiping into a positive atmosphere of something you can work towards.

Hypnosis can play a major role in this.

Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis can help you or others? Then come to a seminar or another event.

Sources:

http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797613510184

http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2004-14314-005

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/peps.12075

https://journals.aom.org/doi/abs/10.5465/AMBPP.2018.12783abstract

https://esource.dbs.ie/handle/10788/2800