You have a desire to have children, but it's taking a long time for you and your partner to conceive. After several tests, it becomes clear. You are infertile. Your world can fall apart because you still want to have a child, and you can come up with the craziest ideas to still get a child that is at least on paper from both of you (if the husband turns out to be infertile in this case).
In this blog, read more about what effects being infertile can have on your well-being and how hypnosis can restore it
Infertile
Infertility can happen to both men and women. In Europe, infertility affects 8 to 12% of couples who want to conceive. This is about 1 in 10 couples who suffer from fertility problems.
Generally, in half of the cases, the fertility problem lies solely with the woman, in 20-30% it lies solely with the man, and the remaining problems lie with problems with both the man and the woman.
Infertile man
Despite infertility being due to the woman in half the cases, it can also be due to the man. In that case, there are still many alternative treatment methods available. For example, if you have slow sperm, then artificial insemination may still be possible.
If this is also not possible, it can cause many psychological problems for men. For example, you may feel ashamed because your seed is not good enough. This can give you extreme ideas to still become a father without bothering those around you.
A search around the Internet already shows that men can think of one-night stands for their wives just so the environment does not realize that the child is not his. This is obviously an unhealthy way of thinking, because there are quite a few risks associated with unprotected sex with a stranger. Moreover, you know nothing about hereditary diseases of the unaware donor.
Never mind what to say if your child ever puts 1 and 1 together when he/she looks nothing like the father.
Infertile after a miscarriage
Miscarriage can have many effects on your uterus. For example, one consequence may be that you become infertile or then it turns out that you are actually infertile. In fact, many factors that contribute to infertility also contribute to having miscarriages, such as:
- Age at which you want to have children (the older the less likely).
- Overweight.
- Smoking.
- Drinking (too much) alcohol.
- Existing medical problems.
- Sex organ anatomical abnormalities.
- Genetic disorders.
Secondary infertility
Secondary infertility occurs when you already have a child but then become infertile. This is especially a problem for couples who want to have a large family and find that this goal cannot be achieved.
Emotional effects infertility
Whatever form of infertility you have, it can trigger all kinds of emotions about yourself or your partner if they are infertile. In the beginning, infertility is also often seen as a threat. For example, what does it mean for your relationship? If you as a man or woman find out at a fairly young age that your partner is infertile, there is a chance that the relationship will be broken off in order to find a fertile partner. When this threat of the end of the relationship is over then often a process of loss actually occurs. A grieving process begins.
Infertility has at least the following effects according to much of the literature:
- Feelings of losing control.
- Reduced self-confidence.
- Different view of identity.
- Other beliefs.
- Relationship impact.
- Overcompensation.
The emotions involved in infertility are:
- Grief
- Depression
- Anger
- Guilt
- Shock
- Denial
- Anxiety
Infertility often affects you more as a woman than as a man, even if it is the man who is infertile. Men do overcompensate for infertility more often than women.
To suffer less, hypnosis can help. In fact, there are quite a few social constructs about fertility. In Dutch culture, for example, it is quite normal to have 1 child and live the house, tree, beast life.
Failing this then can cause you to feel like a failure. The purpose in your life has suddenly become equally unclear.
The beliefs that most people have about themselves and how the world works and how you should get pregnant ultimately creates the consequences that infertility has. I will address some of the consequences and how hypnosis can help with them.
Identity and infertility
You have always seen yourself as a father or mother figure and would like to see this confirmed in a child of your own (or in a larger family). When this then proves impossible, your whole sense of who you are and what you do can be turned upside down. Fortunately, your identity is much more than just being a father or mother or the job you have. Hypnosis works a lot with the identity you have.
Restoring your identity automatically restores your confidence and helps you hold your place in the world. This can also be good for changing your beliefs about how-it-happens and letting go of those beliefs. In the end, no one is normal, and once you know that, you can let go of the how-to and determine your own how-to.
Effect on relationship
Infertility can have a big effect on your relationship. Do you come from a culture in which having children is very important, as in most religions? If so, you may feel very embarrassed about not being able to have children. This can also make you angry at your partner if it is up to him/her.
If you do want to stay with your partner, it is important to continue to work on your relationship and go through the process of loss and grief together.
A great way to strengthen your relationship is to apply mindfulness. In this, you undertake activities together and try to stay completely in the here and now with your attention. You listen to your partner. You see your partner, maybe you even feel your partner and you smell your partner. You can do this while cooking food together or some other activity. By not being distracted by other things, such as your work or fantasies about how things could have been, you strengthen the bond with your partner that will help you get through this loss better.
Overcompensation
Another problem that infertility can create is overcompensation. If you fail at something in one part of your life, you want to excel in another part of your life. Men especially suffer from overcompensation.
This can manifest itself, for example, in going to work a lot to at least have a good career. Or by becoming a kind of casanova.
Hypnosis also helps with overcompensation by improving self-acceptance. You don't have to suddenly become super good at anything else. You're good enough the way you are. Hypnotic suggestions, for example, work to ensure that you actually have those beliefs, such as:
"I am good enough the way I am."
"I don't need to get better at any other part of my life."
"I get to relax."
"People accept me."
By repeating these kinds of suggestions daily, you can prevent infertility from turning you into a workaholic
Depression and infertility
Precisely because having children is a step in which biological factors and even evolutionary factors also come into play, you may suffer from feelings of depression if this fails you. After all, what is life without children?
Depression is often treated with medication and/or psychological treatment. Hypnosis can play a supportive role in this treatment. In fact, you generally receive cognitive behavioral therapy, and multiple studies have shown that hypnosis enhances cognitive behavioral therapy. As a result, you get rid of your depressive feelings faster.
Guilt and infertility
If your body does not cooperate with having children, you may become angry with your body and feel intense guilt toward your partner. This is very unfortunate because no one chooses to become infertile, so it is certainly not something to feel guilty about.
In fact, guilt has the function of keeping you from performing certain behaviors in the future. For example, if you have lied or stolen you get guilt so that you don't do it again in the future.
Being infertile is not something you do consciously. So it's super illogical to feel guilty about it. You also can't change it in the future.
A hypnotist can help you get rid of this guilt. Initially to find out why you are suffering from this guilt and secondly to help you realize that this guilt is not necessary for anything. There are several techniques for this.
Want to know how hypnosis can help you and others in difficult times? Then come to a playshop and check out Hypnosis Institute Netherlands' training programs.
Sources:
https://rbej.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12958-015-0032-1
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-1-4899-0753-0_3
http://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2217/WHE.15.19
