Selfish: Hypnosis Helps

Everyone is a little selfish at times. You eat the last candy in the house before your partner comes home. You actually need to save money for that vacation, but you just can't resist those cute shoes. You prioritize yourself for a while. If you do this too often, selfishness can become a problem, and it's not fun for people around you, either.

In this blog, I discuss how to become less selfish and how to deal with selfish people

What does selfish mean?

Before I get into that, it's helpful to know exactly what we're talking about. What does being selfish and selfish mean?

Selfishness, in short, means that you care more for yourself than for someone else. This is actually a very normal situation. Just think about the drought in the Netherlands right now. If the tap suddenly stops working, you will be the first to run to the supermarket to buy water and you really don't care if other people have bad luck.

So selfishness is a function of survival.

However, being selfish does become a problem when you want more than is fair. Even if the faucet keeps working, you buy the water supply in the supermarket empty. You want to earn more than your co-worker while doing the same job. You want more pocket money than your twin brother while being the same age.

As soon as you want unfair advantage for yourself there is selfishness.

You may think you should be nice to your family and strangers, but research shows that most people are more likely to help their family than strangers. Again, this is part of survival. Your genes should be fine and the rest doesn't care for a while. So don't worry if you don't extend a hand for a stranger, but want to do very little for your family or friends either. Then it's time to think.

Whether a person will help another person is determined by a number of factors, namely:

• The severity of the problem.
• The connection with the other person (near or far).
• Antipathy (negative feelings toward others).
• Empathy (positive feelings for others).
• Forming unity (deep friendship/ recognizing yourself in the person)

The more serious the problem, the more likely you are to help. The closer the person is to you, the more likely you are to help. The less antipathy, the more likely you are to help (the more antipathy, the less likely you are to help). The more empathy you have for someone, the more likely you are to help, and if you feel totally unified then of course you will too.

Selfishness test

Want to know if you suffer from selfishness? Then check these statements and determine whether or not they are true for you.

1. If I need help, I know who to turn to.
2. When someone needs help, I don't always know what to do.
3. I often wait to see if someone else helps first before I start helping.
4. I believe people should help each other.
5. I find it difficult to empathize with another person.
6. I don't have a good relationship with my family.
7. When I help someone, I expect something in return.

Do you recognize yourself in most of these statements? If so, you may be suffering from selfishness. To double-check this, you can ask people around you if they ever find you selfish and if so, in what situations. Then you will immediately know what you can work on.

Selfish child (adolescent)

Do you suffer from a selfish child? A selfish adolescent who you hoped that this childishness would really stop by now? Then it is important to know that indicating that other people should be thought of does not always help.

Research shows that people in groups often think selfishly and think they deserve more than the rest of the group. This is also why many adolescents are not happy with the grade they received after a group project.

Thinking about what other people in a group deserve can lead people to be less selfish, but if the group's evaluation leads to the conclusion that other people in the group are also grabbing more than what is fair, this can actually trigger selfish behavior.

Especially if you find that your child is selfish at home, it is important to look at your own behavior as well. If this is all in order, you should be able to explain this clearly to your adolescent.

Selfish parents

Selfish parents are often thought of as parents who totally neglect their children. This can also be much smaller, such as parents who have an authoritarian upbringing. Generally, the child's wants and needs are then not considered.

Two-way communication

in which the child can have their say and then have it acted on is very important to prevent selfishness in parents.

The consequence of a lack of two-way communication is that your child becomes quiet, depressed, and withdrawn.

Or, conversely, the child may seek attention outside the home—for example, through bullying or causing scenes with friends—which ultimately isn’t a healthy solution either.

Selfishness in a relationship

Does kindness and a helping hand only come from 1 side of a relationship? Then there is selfishness in a relationship. This is actually very strange, because forming unity, which is essentially what a relationship is, is a predictor of offering help.

Two-way communication is also very important in a relationship to stop selfishness.

Reducing selfishness

Reducing selfishness in yourself and in another can best be changed with the understanding of how people judge other people in "the group" by reducing selfish traits yourself and then pointing this out to the other person.

Do you find it difficult to change your behavior? Then hypnosis can help make you less selfish. There are several techniques for this, including regression, visualizations and self-hypnosis with hypnotic suggestions.

For example, do you find it difficult to trust that there is always enough food in the refrigerator and are you always the person who eats everything, much to the irritation of your fellow residents? Then it's good to take a look at why this behavior occurred.

Regression for the emergence of egoism

Regression can play a major role in this because it allows you to go back to events from your childhood that led to a belief such as “Whoever gets to the fridge first is never hungry.” This can yield surprising results, such as that time you really wanted a piece of candy but someone else had already eaten it, sparking the “battle” to be the first at the fridge—this is, of course, just one example of such a specific event that can give rise to beliefs. With regression, you can let go of this, so your housemates won’t find fault with you for once.

Visualization for changing behavior

Did you know that people find it very difficult to do something if they can't imagine it? A guided visualization from a hypnotherapist helps you change selfish behavior. First, together you map out the behavior you would like to change. For example, you want to be less grumpy to your friend when she asks if certain clothes look nice, or you want to support your friend's projects more often.

Then, if you know what you want to change, but not how to change it, the hypnotherapist helps you with a guided visualization. This makes you much more likely to succeed in changing your behavior.

For example, if you want to become a better listener because two-way communication is important against egotism, a visualization can go like this.

"You have a problem with your partner and would like to solve it your way. Therefore, after dinner, you address your partner in a calm tone about the behavior that bothers you, how you feel about this behavior and what you expect will be a good solution. Then you ask your partner how he/she views the situation. You let your partner speak and listen carefully to your partner. Your thoughts stay with the conversation and therefore you can empathize with how your partner feels. Then together you can come to a good solution that works for you and your partner. You get a good feeling from this and notice immediately that the relationship between you and your partner is better."

This is just an example of a guided visualization. This visualization also promotes mindfulness in your relationship. By staying in the here and now with your thoughts you keep your brain engaged and don't start fantasizing about how everything could go wrong, this will help you achieve much more together.

Hypnotic suggestions for beliefs

As mentioned earlier, beliefs created by misconceptions can create selfish behaviors that you actually want to change. Once you and the hypnotist have identified your beliefs and the behaviors you want to change, the hypnotherapist can give you suggestions that you repeat at home during self-hypnosis.

Before repeating the suggestions, you bring yourself into hypnosis, or at least into a relaxed state. You do this by lying down or sitting in a nice comfortable place. Relaxing your muscles and paying attention to even breathing through the abdomen. You close your eyes and then repeat the suggestions, which may go as follows:

"It's important for my family members to be able to talk to me."

"I earn an equal share in the household."

"When I am less selfish, others become less selfish."

"Sharing is playing."

"The refrigerator belongs to everyone."

These are just examples of hypnotic suggestions. Depending on your beliefs, you may receive other suggestions from your hypnotist.

Would you like to learn more about hypnosis and the issues it can help resolve? Then come to the workshop or check out our calendar and sign up for one of our events.

Sources:

http://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-20034-006

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/ejsp.364

http://journal.pps-pgra.org/index.php/Ijiece/article/view/37