Defensive behavior: is it harmful?

Someone has a comment and you immediately feel the need to defend your behavior or defend your point of view with fervor. This often means you don't want to take anything from the other person and don't let them tell you anything. In some cases this can be good and in others it is harmful. In this blog I take a closer look at defensive behavior whether you should do something about it and then what you can do about it

Meaning defensive

Defensive means defensive and it is a term that originates from the martial arts. So it has to do with defense and fighting. So it is a rather paradoxical term because you are defending fighting, so to speak.

Some people talk about defending defensively so they also talk about defending offensively.

Defending Yourself

Defending yourself is very common when your safety is at stake. For example, when you are falsely accused of something, it is quite natural to get angry about it and you, defend yourself against that accusation.

Defensive behavior can be slightly different from simply defending yourself. For example, when someone criticizes you, you go on the offensive by returning the criticism. At work, for instance, you might receive feedback on how you’re handling a task, and you counter this feedback by pointing out how the other person is doing something wrong.

Or, instead of addressing the criticism, you go on the defensive about why you do your work the way you do. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing in itself, but if it causes you to refuse to accept any input from others, it can have consequences for your personal development.

Why do people suffer from defensive behavior?

Defensive behavior is closely related to a person’s self-confidence. If there is an imbalance between your unconscious sense of self-confidence and your conscious sense of self-confidence, you are more likely to behave defensively than when these two senses are in alignment[1].

So this means that when you unconsciously have low self-confidence and when you think about yourself you think you do have high self-confidence you become defensive faster and the same is true in the opposite situation. You then unconsciously have a lot of self-confidence and consciously have less.

Another reason why you may become defensive more quickly is that you did not form secure attachments with your caregivers during childhood[2]. Research shows that people who formed strong attachments to others feel safer and perceive threats much later than people who have attachment issues. This doesn’t always mean that being able to form strong attachments is better, because it can also lead to recognizing danger too late and, consequently, exhibiting necessary defensive behavior too late.

However, you also don't want to become defensive in the face of danger that just isn't really dangerous, and so that can be the case when you don't attach well to people. You then don't see the world as a safe place, as people who can attach themselves usually do.

Defensive behavior at work

Defensive behavior at work can be very harmful. Several studies have also been conducted on how to reduce defensive behavior in the workplace in order to promote growth.

In many meetings, for example, defensive behavior is seen and this causes the results of such a meeting to be less than they could be. When people feel psychologically safe during a meeting, it creates better results. For example, more is learned from each other[3].

When people think they’re not doing a good job—a sign of low self-confidence—it can impair their ability to think and act effectively. What often happens with defensive behavior at work is that you want to stick to a routine, because it feels quick and efficient. Sometimes, however, you actually need creativity and have to spend a little more time thinking about what you’re doing; this may feel unproductive, but it’s actually the best way to reduce defensive behavior at work.

When something is not going well, people hint at this at work more than it is clearly stated, for example, this is one such form of defensive behavior that is not picked up well by some people. If this is then not picked up, it can cause a project to stall or even fail.

The research cited cited 4 beliefs that lead to defensive behavior, namely:

• You want to be in control of yourself and the project.
• You want to win and not lose.
• You suppress negative emotions.
• You want to behave rationally.

To be more effective at work, the following very values/beliefs are recommended by researchers, leading to less defensive behavior:

• You want to find information you can test.
• You want to make choices based on (important) information.
• You want to control processes well to detect and resolve errors.

Hypnosis can help you transform your beliefs so that you become a success factor at work instead of that stubborn, defensive jerk who makes everything go wrong.

This can even be done by providing recommended beliefs during hypnosis as a suggestion. You then get these types of suggestions to take home to practice during self-hypnosis.

Mindfulness is also widely used in organizations on complex projects to reduce defensive behavior.

Defensive behavior in your relationship(s)

Defensive behavior can be an issue not only at work but also in your relationships. Especially in relationships, you’d rather not hear certain information if it affects your self-image or your sense of who you are and how you behave. So if your partner calls you out on doing something that you yourself actually don’t think is appropriate, you’d rather not hear it.

Defensive behavior in a relationship usually means:

• Denying the other person's complaint.
• Calling the complainant too sensitive or crazy.
• Right back complaining about what else.
• Posing as a victim and pretending to be in pain so the complainer will stop.
• Say nothing and leave.

This can also make the complainant defensive again, and before you know it, you have an argument[4].

In a relationship, therefore, it is important to sometimes pretend to be more mature than you feel. Listen to the complaint and what is at the heart of it now, especially if it has been blurted out unhappily, and then try to find a solution together. If you disagree, tell them your view of the problem.

How to stop defensive behavior

Defensive behavior can therefore occur in all kinds of situations. In your relationship, it can lead to arguments, and at work, it can cause projects to proceed with difficulty. Stopping defensive behavior is therefore beneficial both for your work—because you’ll be more productive—and in your relationship—because you won’t have arguments (just a difficult conversation).

You can start by implementing the tips above, but if that fails, it is important to work on your self-confidence and worldview.

The cause of defensive behavior often lies with your beliefs about yourself and the world. People who see the world as safe are less defensive, and people with an unconscious and conscious sense of self-confidence are also less defensive.

Changing your beliefs is pretty much the core of therapy with hypnosis. Initially, a hypnosis expert will start the conversation with you to find out what beliefs you have about, say, your job or how a relationship is supposed to be and who takes on what tasks, or whatever the problem is.

As mentioned when changing beliefs about how to do your job is possible with hypnotic suggestions. This can initially change your behavior. Another way to change your behavior and to be less defensive is with a post-hypnotic suggestion. With such a suggestion, you are given a kind of command that you will carry out the moment you become defensive. A post-hypnotic suggestion often comes at the end of a guided visualization in which you practice desired behavior, so to speak. For example:

"You are challenged by your partner on the fact that you overwork a lot. Deep down you know this is not helpful, but this is only for 3 months for an important project. Instead of starting about your partner's work or walking away, you listen to the complaint. You indicate that your partner is right. Explain what you are working overtime for and indicate to your boss that this overtime should be reduced one day a week anyway. In doing so, you also indicate to pay more attention to the home situation on weekends so that makes up for everything. The next time you get defensive you stay calm, listen and give your vision and a possible solution to the problem."

This is just an example of a guided visualization with post-hypnotic suggestion. Depending on your beliefs and problems with defensive behavior, a hypnosis expert may use other techniques.

Would you like to know what other techniques are available and how you can help yourself and others with hypnosis? Then come to a hypnosis workshop or sign up for one of our training programs.

Also pin this handy infographic as a reminder:

[1]https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00207590601068134

[2]https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0191886914005352

[3]https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Peter_Oeij/publication/306132338_Can_teams_benefit_from_using_a_mindful_infrastructure_when_defensive_behaviour_threatens_complex_innovation_projects/links/57ba97c108ae14f440bd9251/Can-teams-benefit-from-using-a-mindful-infrastructure-when-defensive-behaviour-threatens-complex-innovation-projects.pdf

[4]https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/presence-mind/201902/defensiveness-enemy-growth-and-good-relationships?collection=1125773