Learning to manage emotions in parenting is something that is especially helpful during these corona times. You may have noticed that your home has turned into a pressure cooker. You're on everyone's mind all day, and irritating habits are suddenly extra irritating because you can't escape them
Corona has also damaged the mental health of many parents and caused a lot of stress. Parents have suddenly taken on a much greater role in their child's social - and cognitive development. You also suddenly have much more interaction with your child.
Your kids have online classes at home and that does present a challenge. We have four kids and they all have classes in high school. It's a very strange time and how are you going to do all this? A lot of people struggle with this.
The routine of the day is suddenly totally changed for children. Instead of enjoying breakfast, putting on clothes, going to school and then playing at a friend's house, everything suddenly has to be done at home.
Then your child suddenly finds out that when he's at school mom and dad are at work, so your child suddenly gets much less attention than he's used to when he's at home.
What researchers in Canada have seen among families with incomes of 100,000 Canadian dollars (+- 80,000 euros) is that the level of stress experienced when you don't have child care causes you to play less with your child, such as with crafts or games, than when you do have child care. If so, stress actually causes more "hands-on play"[1].
Since now no one can send his/her child to daycare, you can imagine how it is here in the Netherlands. Canadian and Dutch society are similar in that respect.
Suddenly, you're a teacher, too. Before, you had a little time for yourself when your kids went to school, and now they don't go to school (or you can't always count on them going to school). Maybe you also have to go to work and then your kids are home alone and who knows if they will do what they need to do, which is take those online classes.
Who knows, they may be in bed with a bag of chips. Go check and try to manage all that.
We've never experienced this before, so how do you deal with it? No idea, you have to row with the oars you have. The most important thing at this time is your personal development.
Busy child: look at yourself first
This may sound a little strange, but when you develop yourself personally, you pass it on to your children.
All of a sudden your kids need to be self structured now. Then ask yourself honestly if you are structured. For example, I am not.
I can then do two things. First, I can say, "Hey, you guys need to be more structured!" Until then my kids ask, "How?" Then I say, "Yeah, I don't know then."
Either I'm going to develop personally and learn how to apply more structure or I'm going to let go. "Never mind, it worked out for me too."
When I do, it gives me space.
For example, your kids are all over the place and totally busy. We have very agile children and fortunately we have a trampoline in the yard so they can jump around for a while.
Then you also have to ask yourself the question when they are so busy whether you are calm. "Of course not with all these busy kids around me."
Of course, it's also very difficult, but it really starts with yourself. Sometimes it can be a pressure cooker of all kinds of emotions. And you have to be used to this. My children are used to this, they interact a lot and are also close in age.
Calm yourself for a calm child
With us, it's not too bad in itself. I think this is also because I have cleared up many problems from the past. This has also made them calmer.
Had I not done this, it probably would have been a mess. Because it was a mess for me at the time.
You see an immediate difference when you are calm. You've probably also experienced that when you are really totally zen and calm, outside and inside, that your children are calm too. It should not be a facade, that you are still that pressure cooker inside, but really zen.
Then you can handle a lot more, you can have more, and your children are often a lot calmer too.
For example, you can start meditating structurally so that you become truly calm. Or you can clear things from your past that are still triggering you now.
After all, children don't mimic you, they do you. They pick up your energy and over.
This is not about blame, as it can be due to many factors.
Solve personal problems with yourself first
The bottom line is that when you develop yourself and do exercises to become calm and clear triggers from your life, you notice it immediately in your children.
Stories that this is how it works I have in abundance. From my own life and from my trainees.
For example, someone had cleaned up something from her own life. A problem she was having with her father. She had done that session that afternoon. She came home in the evening and her son suddenly offered to cook dinner for her sometime and indicated that he was also going to game less and do more about his school.
This was so separate for her. How then? My theory is that he no longer needs to rebel against something that is no longer there.
She had resolved something and he no longer triggers.
He suddenly started doing things she always wanted him to do.
With parenting in this day and age, this is incredibly important. Because right now is a pressure cooker of emotions, so it is important to change something in yourself that will keep your children calm.
One of the best ways as far as I'm concerned, but that's speaking for your own church, is hypnosis. Because with it, you can go back to the origin of the problem and solve it.
You may not have the time, money and inclination to do that.
Develop calm habits
But even then, I would start with personal development. Instead of cleaning something up, you can start with meditation or listening to the mp3.
But with that, you are already starting your day peacefully. If you keep doing this, it becomes a habit. Then you become calmer and that also has an effect.
So be the change you want to see in the world. Whatever you want to see different in your children, do it to yourself first.
There's no point in trying to get them to calm down if you're all busy yourself. This can sometimes work if you put all your dictatorial power into it, but how much fun is that?
Now I may not be the expert on parenting, but I think this works.
I also sometimes tell my kids that I'm doing this for the first time. In the end, we have to do it together and it's okay to be honest about that.
So be the change you want to see. If you have busy children with labels like adhd, autism and so on, ask yourself what you are doing that makes your children so busy.
Children with adhd often need structure and good nutrition. So ask yourself if you are doing the right thing there. Many problems can be solved with diet. By cutting out sugar and dairy and adding lots of vegetables, you can already do a lot.
Or you're going to change it game by game, which takes time and effort, but it pays off.
See where something can be done and what is possible for you.
Setting a good example for peaceful children yourself
My boys don't always want vegetables either, but so I try to set a good example and I notice now, after six months, that it's starting to seep through to the boys a bit. But I'm not going to force them, because there's no point.
For me, it is important to lead by example. Exercise yourself, eat well yourself and just do your thing yourself.
Second, it is useful for resolving problems from your past. If you see something in your children that you recognize in yourself or might be due to yourself, try to resolve it.
Third, you can start with something new for your personal development. Meditation can already do a lot for more peace of mind.
This can help as this is also a fun time to connect more and make the connection.
Also listen to this podcast:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/195236/3172117-opvoeden-in-deze-tijd-hoe-doe-je-dat-nou?play=true
Hypnosis to help you learn new habits
As mentioned, learning hypnosis is a good first step to learning new habits. If you've actually been struggling with something like this for a long time, a hypnotherapist can help you figure out what's causing it.
Want to learn the basics of hypnosis? Then come to a free online master class on hypnosis.
Instead, would you like to learn useful hypnosis techniques to, for example, find peace within yourself, give good suggestions while raising your children or simply to help other people? Then enroll in one of our trainings.
Sources:
[1] https://psyarxiv.com/prtyf
