Angry child: How to stay calm?

One of the rules of Jordan Peterson's book is, "Don't let your child do something that will make you hate him/her." In the long run, this is not helpful at all. If you are often angry with your child, you may suffer from a child who very often does something you absolutely don't like.

But why are you angry with your child in the first place? What can you do to still stay calm and still get your child off his/her chosen path so that he/she does something that allows you to love your child precisely?

Of course, it’s normal to get angry with your child from time to time. Especially when your child’s safety is at risk—for example, if your child runs out onto a busy street—it’s perfectly normal to shout“Stop!”or something similar for a moment. This isn’t a problem, but if you’re primarily angry at your child, it can cause your child to become afraid, feel ashamed, or even humiliated. Then, being angry becomes part of your family culture, and there’s little room for warmth and love. At home, the atmosphere can even feel tense and very serious[1].

You might think that being angry at your child a lot is something that runs in the family, several generations. However, research on anger in parenting across 3 generations shows that this does not have to be the case. Anger across 3 generations did relate to parenting style, but was not influenced by each other[2].

So it is certainly possible if you come from an angry family to break that cycle.

First of all, it’s helpful to take a look at yourself. Researchers, for example, have even studied teachers and why they might teach while feeling angry. This research showed that their perception— their internal view of the problem—was linked to expressing anger in the classroom[3]. This may very well be the case with parents as well.

It's also important to do something about your anger. Because if you are especially angry with your child, this can also be bad for your child's development. Just hearing negative things about what you are not doing right can even be seen as mental abuse. Research shows that people who were treated badly in childhood are more likely to interpret a neutral facial expression as someone who is angry than someone who had a normal childhood[4].

I also sometimes say that you need to educate yourself before you educate your child.

For example, one of the participants of my online programs, which help you educate yourself, indicated that his changing view of his 7-year-old daughter's behavior caused him to even laugh at the things she did. Whereas before he would get angry about it. This shows that his view of her behavior had completely changed. As a result, he could happily put her back on the right path and his patience had also become endless.

Angry at your adolescent

Do you often have heated arguments with your (young) teenager? Research shows that this may indicate that you or your child is not well-adjusted. This effect is stronger in boys than in girls[5]. It may be helpful to teach your teenager how to discuss things calmly by setting a good example yourself and staying calm.

In addition, other research shows that you and your adolescent may have fallen into a kind of negative-feedback loop. You and your adolescent are angry because of something that happened before, which in turn can cause you to be angrier about something in the future that may occur[6]. You are then in a kind of "I am angry" hypnosis with your child. It is important to recognize this so that you can step out of it. So that you can "wake up" and handle things differently.

Ultimately, you are the adult in the relationship and it starts with you.

Is your child secretly demanding attention?

One of the first things to ask yourself is whether your child is asking for attention. After all, angry attention is always better than no attention. There is nothing like getting an emotion from mom or dad when you otherwise get no emotion at all.

If you find that this might be the case, you can test how it goes when you give your child a little more attention. Schedule an afternoon/evening where you do something fun with your child. In which you talk to him/her and strengthen the bond between the two of you.

If your child knows how to trigger you because you don't give him/her much attention otherwise, this can help you give your child attention in a healthy way and then your child won't have to trigger you either.

Changing your view of the problem

The problem in this case is your child’s behavior. How do you view it, and why does it make you so angry? Ultimately, this depends on your beliefs about how life works and how you’re supposed to function within it—and how you think your child should function or behave.

Perhaps you are anxious about your child and what his/her life will look like with the attitude he/she has now. Research shows that hypnotherapy can help parents control fears so they function better as parents. This research used positive suggestions and a way to release your emotions[7].

Releasing emotions, such as fear and anger caused by anxiety, can be achieved, for example, through regression. With regression, you essentially change the belief that is currently causing fear and stress, which in turn makes you angry at your child.

With hypnotherapy, you can figure out these types of beliefs. Initially, while in hypnosis, you can engage in a Socratic conversation. In this conversation, you can find out what beliefs are at work that make you angry with your child.

Then you can use regression to go back to the moment when that belief arose. Then you can do something in your mind with that moment that makes you interpret the moment differently than when you experienced it, and that alone can cause you to have new insights that clear your fears. You usually feel very relieved afterwards because you have been able to release that emotion. This is a process that a hypnotherapist helps you with.

Your view of the problem, or how you should handle your child's behavior, can also change a great deal as a result. As the participant of one of the online programs had.

Dealing with the problem differently

In addition, hypnosis can also be used to deal differently with the problem, your child's behavior. For example, you can spend some time thinking about how you actually want to react in certain situations instead of what you are doing now.

This is something you can practice with a guided visualization. If you are often angry with your child you will probably have noticed that your anger has a set pattern. You can break this pattern with such a visualization or even completely shake it up so that it becomes illogical for you to react that way.

In addition, you can use a visualization and kind of post-hypnotic suggestion about how you will react from now on when you get angry with your child. For example, that you stay calm, walk away or explain why you are so angry. Or, on the contrary, that you start listening to your child without judgment to see if you can understand him/her.

This can do an awful lot to get out of anger-induced hypnosis.

Hypnotic suggestions

The study mentioned also utilized hypnotic suggestions that can help parents reduce their anxiety about their child. This can be particularly helpful for replacing an old belief with a new one once you’ve let go of the old one.

These may include suggestions such as:

"I am not my child."

"There are many ways to live and my child will find the way that works best for him/her."

"What my child says and does is not personal."

These are just examples. Depending on your fears and reasons why you get angry with your child, you may receive other suggestions that will help you be less angry with your child and look at your child's behavior in a different way.

Maybe you too will soon be able to laugh at your child's behavior and, with angelic patience, guide your child toward more sensible choices and the behavior you do want to see.

Want to learn more about hypnosis and how it can improve your life? Then come to a free online master class.

Or enroll in one of the HIN's training programs .

Sources: