Having a good conversation with mindfulness

Having conversations we all do it, but do you remember what you actually said after a conversation? Do you feel that you have a real influence on how the conversation goes or does it go as it goes? Do you sometimes have the idea that a conversation starts safely and suddenly you find yourself on a controversial subject without being able to do anything about it? And do you sometimes catch yourself listening with only half an ear?

If this seems familiar to you, having a good conversation can sometimes be difficult. Fortunately, you can use mindfulness to steer a conversation in the right direction.

Having a conversation is something most people do every day. Because you have conversations so often, you can get automatic patterns in those conversations. As a result, in some conversations you just don't pay much attention anymore.

For example, business conversations where you want to ask for something new from someone you’ve ordered from before. Or a conversation with your partner about how the day actually went.

These are times when changes, such as your partner's price or a bad day, can just pass you by because you are working according to a script because you have had those conversations many times before.

A good conversation is usually not a conversation on autopilot.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a way to be aware of your body, your thoughts, and your emotions. In principle, you can practice mindfulness throughout the day, but you can also make a conscious choice to be mindful during certain activities or at specific moments.

The benefit of mindfulness is that you become aware of the influence your thoughts have on your body and your emotions. You also become more aware of how your body affects your emotions—and how your emotions affect your body. This is a healthy three-way relationship that plays a key role in much of what we do and feel.

By being aware of things, you can intervene earlier if something threatens to go wrong. For example, you can recognize certain patterns.

One of the most important things mindfulness can do for people is make you aware that you are distracted throughout the day. For example, if you are working at a personal computer, you may just get "distracted" by your social media or the news.

Distractions can also rear their heads during phone calls. By using mindfulness during calls, you will make sure you are less likely to be distracted and can be a better conversationalist.

A good conversation

A good conversation can mean something different to everyone. For me, a good conversation means that the conversational sessions alternate and you can come to all kinds of new insights.

A good conversation includes paying attention to each other and where the conversation is going.

Anyone can have a meaningful conversation. You can even have a meaningful conversation with your preschooler, but meaningful conversations are also important in other relationships.

Through good conversation in which you pay attention to each other, you can deepen connections and gain understanding of others' points of view, even if they are not your own. It therefore becomes much easier to accept that you disagree than to have to "win" the conversation from the other person.

A nice side effect of mindfulness in conversations is that you can find out funny, or to others, irritating character traits. For example, a friend of mine found out that she always, but always, has to have the last word. Even if it's just an "okay."

Once she realized this, she was able to consciously let it go. It felt a bit awkward at first, but her conversations with others have definitely improved as a result.

When you use mindfulness, you are also more likely to notice that you have suddenly changed from a good conversation to a discussion or contest of points of view in which you just have to be right.

In some cases, this is helpful, but in other cases, winning equals losing. This is because, for example, the other person just lets you "win" but is actually annoyed by the competition in the conversation.

A business call

Making a business phone call can sometimes be quite challenging. After all, you’re at work, where there are many distractions. Perhaps your calendar is right in front of you, and while on the call, you’re already thinking about your next appointment or trying to multitask by entering data into a program at the same time.

The recipe for accidentally failing to notice a business call and agreeing to something you don't want to agree to at all.

Fortunately, mindfulness also offers a solution for business phone calls.

This starts before you even pick up the phone. For example, you can briefly close or put away distracting objects, such as your calendar or programs you may be using.

Before the call, you can do a short mindfulness body scan. This helps you consciously wrap up your previous activity and relax, so you can give the business call your full attention.

You then grab your phone and start calling.

Should you find out during the conversation that you still get distracted. Then focus again for a moment on the voice of the other person on the line. If you still think you missed something you can do the following things:

• Indicating that you didn't understand the other person.
• Summarize what the other person is saying and ask if it is true.

Another thing that is always wise after a business phone call is to send an email afterwards confirming the arrangements made with a question asking if everything is correct.

Job interview

Of course, during a job interview, you’re completely focused on the conversation—or are you? Staying in the here and now during a job interview is one of the most difficult things there is. This is largely due to the nerves you feel before such an interview.

You worry about the hand you give. About remembering the name of the person sitting across from you.

These are all things that can distract you during such a conversation. Suddenly the thought "what is his name again?" can run through your mind, and then not knowing the answer can make the rest of the conversation difficult.

By being mindful during a job interview and responding to the questions from within yourself, you are more likely to get a job than if you get all worked up about the other person. Ultimately, the person wants to get to know you and not the version you think will get the job. If you get the job and you turn out to be someone else that is not a nice prospect either.

A good example is that two people in my area were allowed to go on a job interview for the same company. One person always worried about what other people thought of him. As a result, the answers he gave to questions were the ones he thought they wanted to hear. So he was thinking all the time about how he came across.

The other person simply gave the first answer that came to mind. An answer that came from within herself and was not polished to meet what the company wants. You guessed it, the second person ended up getting the job.

The way to feel less anxious is to prepare for the interview. Make sure you have nice clothes on and that you know something about the job you want to do and how you want to do it.

Relax during the conversation and try to keep your attention with your interlocutors.

A 1 on 1 conversation

A one-on-one conversation can take place in all sorts of situations. For example, a performance review can be a one-on-one conversation, but the most common examples are conversations with a coach or psychologist.

Mindfulness is also important during a 1-on-1 conversation. Being mindful during one-on-one conversations gives you more control over the topics and what you will and will not say. Because you are aware of what you are doing, you don't just flap out something you don't want to say at all.

Mindfulness, then, is a way of monitoring your body, emotions and thoughts. This allows you to better monitor reactions that normally happen automatically and change if that reaction is not helping you move forward.

Applying mindfulness in conversations allows you to pay more attention to your interlocutor. You can better anticipate changes in the conversation and have more influence on how the conversation goes. This is incredibly useful both in your private life and for work.

Would you like to learn more about mindfulness and other mental techniques to make your life easier? Then check out the training courses or come to a seminar.

Sources:

http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/03637759209376271?journalCode=rcmm20