Why conflict avoidance damages your relationships (And how to change it)

Maybe you know this. You're sitting at the table with your partner and there's that annoying tension in the air. You disagree about something, but instead of talking it out, you just shut your mouth. "Never mind," you think. "It'll blow over."

Only it doesn't blow over, does it? That tension lingers like a nasty smell that just won't go away.

We've gotten pretty good at avoiding conflict. Increasingly, people are choosing to avoid confrontations rather than deal with them. And yes, that seems like the easiest solution at the time. No fuss, no argument, no tears. Just pretend nothing is wrong.

But what you may not realize is that in doing so, you are destroying your relationships. Literally. Those little irritations you put away? Those pile up. Those conversations you don't have? Those create misunderstandings. And that feeling that you don't feel heard? That grows and grows until one day you think, "How did we end up here?"

The strange thing is that avoiding conflict doesn't make for fewer problems. It creates more problems. And those problems become bigger, more complicated and more painful than the original conflict ever was.

You can even develop depression and anxiety through it[1].

Now you may be thinking, "Okay Edwin, but what am I supposed to do? I'm just not the type to argue." And I understand that. But there's a big difference between arguing and engaging in healthy conflict. The former destroys, the latter builds.

People who have learned to handle conflict properly have better relationships[2]. They feel more heard, more understood and also more connected to others. And you can learn to do the same. Even if right now you'd rather grit your teeth than engage in a difficult conversation.

The beauty is that you don't have to change who you are. You just need to learn how to say what you think and feel without it immediately turning into a war. And that's what we're going to talk about in this book.

Why do conflicts?

You may be thinking, "Edwin, I don't avoid conflicts at all. Conflicts avoid me." But actually you are doing conflict avoidance. Just as you don't have fear, you do fear. You don't have a pattern of behavior, you do the pattern.

And why do you do that? There are a few interesting reasons for that.

You do fear what may happen

See, most people who avoid conflict don't do so because they are lazy. They do so because they are afraid. But what exactly do you do when you are afraid? You fantasize all kinds of scenarios in which everything goes wrong.

"What if he gets angry?" "What if she doesn't like me anymore?" "What if I say something stupid and break everything?" You play the movie of all the things that can go wrong. And because your brain doesn't know the difference between fantasy and reality, that fear feels very real.

The crazy thing is that you create that fear yourself by thinking about things that haven't happened at all yet. And then you start adjusting your behavior accordingly. You say nothing, you choke out your opinion, you just pretend to agree.

But here it comes: by saying nothing, you often make the problem worse. That tension you wanted to avoid? That one only gets worse.

Your parents taught you how to deal with conflict

You learned to avoid conflict for a reason. Someone taught you that, consciously or unconsciously. Usually it was your parents.

If your parents argued by yelling loudly, slamming doors and not talking to each other for days, you learned, "Conflict is dangerous. Conflicts destroy everything." Logically, then, you would avoid them.

Or maybe your parents were just the type who never argued. Everything was swept under the rug. "We don't talk about it, it will blow over." Then, too, you learned that it's better to ignore problems.

Research shows that children literally copy their conflict behaviors from their parents. Not what their parents tell them to do, but what they see their parents actually doing. Your parents were your first and most important teachers in this area.

Please-behavior: doing anything to be liked

Please-behavior and conflict avoidance are actually two sides of the same coin. People who please have often learned that they get love and attention by pleasing everyone.

"As long as I'm nice, as long as I don't cause problems, people will love me." That's the thinking. And so you just say "yes" when you mean "no. You go along with things you don't feel like doing. You swallow your irritations because you're afraid people won't like you anymore.

But here's a dangerous trap: by constantly giving in and making concessions, you unconsciously teach yourself that your opinion doesn't matter. This even affects your self-confidence and self-esteem[3]. That you don't actually matter. And that, of course, is not true at all.

When you find yourself constantly passing yourself by so as not to hurt others, it's time to wake up. Because then you're not being kind, you're cutting yourself off. And that doesn't help anyone - including those others.

What happens when you keep your mouth shut

You may think that avoiding conflict protects your relationships. But actually, you're doing the exact opposite. It's like putting a Band-Aid on an inflamed wound and pretending it's healed. Under that band-aid, it only gets worse.

Let me tell you what's really happening.

You put yourself away and the other person feels it

When you put your emotions away, they don't disappear. They don't go anywhere. Instead, they accumulate in your body and mind. That can lead to headaches, insomnia and constant tension in your shoulders. Your body keeps score, even though your head pretends nothing is wrong.

But something else is happening. By constantly putting away your own opinion, you send yourself a message: "What I think doesn't matter." Day after day, week after week. And at some point you start to believe that.

Your partner notices it, too. Maybe not consciously, but he or she senses that you are not really there. Not fully. You are physically present, but emotionally you have dropped off. And then a crazy thing happens: the other person takes up more and more space because you take up less and less space [2]. Before you know it, you have disappeared in your own relationship.

No one knows what you really think anymore

If you never say what you think, how can the other person know who you are? You become an enigma, even to those closest to you. Important conversations don't take place. Misunderstandings persist. And slowly but surely you drift apart [1].

I see it so often. Couples living side by side instead of with each other. They talk about the weather, the kids, the errands. But they don't talk about what really matters. They don't talk about their dreams, their fears, their frustrations. They have become strangers who happen to share the same house.

Research from the University of Groningen shows that conflict avoidance often leads to poor communication within relationships. Problems that are not expressed do not resolve themselves. They grow.

Becoming a time bomb

You know what the most annoying thing is? Those problems you ignore don't go away. They keep bubbling under the surface. And one day it all explodes. Only then it will be much worse than it originally was.

You constantly live with that tension. That fear that things will go wrong one day anyway. That at some point you will have to open your mouth. And that tension eats away at you.

At some point, you become so exhausted that you can't do any more. You run out of energy to pretend everything is okay. Insomnia, forgetfulness, headaches, a weakened immune system - your body gives up.

Some people get so tired of their relationship that they experience a kind of relationship burnout. They are emotionally and physically exhausted by all that unspoken tension. And then they think, "That's just the way relationships are. After a while, it just gets boring and tough."

But that's not true. Relationships don't have to be heavy and boring. They become heavy and boring when you don't talk about what's really going on.

What happens when you keep looking away

Pushing away conflict works about as well as ignoring a leak in your roof. In the moment, you no longer see the problem, but in the meantime, the damage only gets worse.

Those emotions don't just disappear

What happens to all the anger, frustration and disappointment you bottle up? They don't disappear. They go somewhere, and that's usually your body. Headaches, sleepless nights, a tight feeling in your stomach - your body keeps track of all the emotions you don't want to feel.

But something else is happening. You unconsciously teach yourself that your opinion doesn't really matter. That your needs are less important than those of others. And that's dangerous, because at some point you start to believe that, too.

The balance in your relationships is getting upset. You get smaller and smaller, the other person gets bigger and bigger. Not because the other person is a bad person, but because you give away more and more space. Until one day you think, "How did I become so invisible?"

Talking becomes a foreign word

When you stop really talking about what's going on, you don't really talk at all. Then you are pretending. As if everything is okay, as if you agree, as if nothing is wrong. But meanwhile the distance grows.

Research shows that conflict avoidance often leads to poor communication within relationships[4]. This sounds logical when you think about it. Problems that aren't voiced don't get resolved either. They persist and only get worse.

It's like doing a dance together, but you both hear different music. You are moving, but you are no longer connected.

The excitement that never goes away

Problems don't solve themselves by ignoring them. They continue to simmer beneath the surface like water almost boiling. And that constant tension is exhausting.

You live with a sense of discomfort that you can't quite name. Something is there, but you don't know what. And deep down, you're afraid that one day it will explode.

That prolonged tension can lead to emotional exhaustion. You feel empty, drained, as if all your energy has leaked somewhere. Symptoms of this include:

• You sleep poorly
• You forget things
• Physical complaints such as chest pain and headaches
• You get sick more often

Sometimes people think this is normal. That relationships are just the way they are after a while. But that's not true. A relationship in which you constantly feel tense is not normal. It's a signal that something needs to change.

Sometimes you need help and that's okay

See, sometimes a pattern is so deep that you can't get out of it on your own. And there's no shame in that at all. Just as you go to the dentist when you have a toothache, you can go to a therapist when you're stuck in patterns of behavior that make your life miserable.

When your brain needs a reset

For deep-seated conflict avoidance, hypnotherapy can offer relief[5]. I know, it may sound a little floaty, but it really works. It's not about pendulums or weird tricks. It's about being able to change patterns that are deep in your subconscious.

What actually happens? You learn to shift your attention from that endless brooding in your head to what you're really feeling. And from that feeling, you can make different choices. Choices that suit you better than that eternal looking away and keeping your mouth shut.

The beauty of hypnotherapy is that you don't have to spend years talking about how rotten your childhood was. You just get to work with different ways of thinking and reacting. Simple and effective.

Relationship therapy is not a defeat

Let's face it: saving the relationship is not something you do alone. If you both have patterns that you can't get out of, you start working together. A relationship therapist is not a referee who is going to decide who is right. It is someone who helps you to really talk to each other again.

And no, it's not a sign that your relationship has failed. On the contrary, it's a sign that you both want to invest in it. That you're not just giving up.

A conflict coach can also help you to:

• To understand why you do what you do
• Respond differently than you are used to
• Have conversations without immediately turning into war

Standing up for yourself at work

Things are different at work than at home. There, you can't just say what you think without consequences. But you can learn to become more assertive without immediately being seen as a troublemaker.

Three things that help:

1. Start saying "no" to things that really can't be done. Not to everything, but to that one extra task while you're already overworked.
2. Use "I" instead of "you" when you need to say something. "I can't manage this" works better than "You give me too much work."
3. Practice first with colleagues with whom you feel safe.

It's not about suddenly becoming the boss of the department. It's about not coming home with the frustration that you didn't have the courage to say anything again.

You may feel some resistance now. "Easy talk, Edwin, but I'm just like that." And I understand that. Patterns you've had for years don't change overnight.

But you know what? You don't have to do it perfectly, either. You don't have to go from conflict avoider to discussion leader. You just need to do one thing differently than you're doing now.

Start small. Next week, say "no" once to something you don't feel like doing. Tell your partner you don't feel heard instead of keeping your mouth shut. Ask your colleague to talk out instead of walking away when there is tension.

One thing. Nothing more.

Because here's what happens: every time you say something instead of keeping your mouth shut, you feel a little more yourself. Every time you stand up for what you care about, your self-esteem grows. And every time you face a difficult conversation and find that the world doesn't end, it gets easier.

Yes, sometimes things go wrong. Sometimes someone gets angry, sometimes it escalates, sometimes you feel bad about what you said. That's part of the deal. But you know what's worse? Keeping your mouth shut for years and feeling more and more like you don't matter.

You matter. What you think and feel matters. And people who really care about you want to know how you're doing. Who want you to be honest, even when it's uncomfortable.

When the going gets really tough, seek help. There's nothing wrong with admitting you can't do it alone. Sometimes you need someone to help you let go of those old patterns and develop new ones.

The best thing about engaging in conflict? Your relationships really do get better. Not easier, but more real. Deeper. More connected. And you feel more yourself.

You can do this. You really can. Just get started.

Learning hypnosis to help conflict avoiders

Do you want to help people stand up for themselves more? Knowledge of hypnosis is incredibly valuable in that regard. Come join the free online masterclass to get started.

Or register directly for one of our events and trainings.

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Also, pin this infographic as a reminder:

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