Grieving someone you cared for

Losing people is part of life. The funeral is often a farewell to someone and a celebration of their life. During that celebration, memories are made of good times and bad times. However, remembering the good times in a person's life is sometimes very difficult. Especially for people who cared for the person who died, those "fresh" memories can take precedence over the old happier memories

Why taking pictures is so important

Taking pictures seems very vain, and in some cases I'm sure it is, but it also has an important function. Photos are a useful tool for reminiscing later in life. In fact, photos can bring back emotional memories and intense feelings[1].

General photos such as from the newspaper can also play a role. So there is certainly hope even if you come from a family that does not use photos much at special times, such as celebrating your birthday or a fun day out.

Grieving the Second Time

As a caregiver, you’re actually grieving twice. First, while caring for someone, you may already begin to grieve the loss of their personality—for example, when someone is suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia. Or you may already be grieving because you know you’re losing the person you care for. Behavioral changes, in particular, often cause you to grieve even before someone has passed away[2].

It is very important to get enough help for yourself during caregiving, otherwise you may suffer from long-term symptoms[3], such as only the unpleasant memories of caregiving and not the fun memories of the moments when you actually laughed together.

Grieving after the actual death of the person you cared for can therefore become extra difficult. Especially since you also want to celebrate the finer moments of someone's life.

Why positive memories are harder to remember

First-time grieving may also explain why it is difficult to hold on to those positive memories. Therefore, every time someone loses a certain part of his/her personality, mourning is done by the caregiver or others who interact a lot with the person who is obviously changed by his/her condition[4]. This also allows you to shut this down more quickly, making it less possible to bring out those nice traits after that person's death.

It also depends very much on you how you remember things. Your mindset and certain personality traits influence whether you remember the positive things better than the negative ones[5].

For example, an optimist will remember the positives of life better than the negatives, while a pessimist will remember the negatives better. Someone who is extroverted often remembers the positive sides better as well.

We can do something with this information, because how is your mindset? Caretaking may have made you a little pessimistic. For example, if you've had to do a lot for the other person that they really should be able to do themselves, this can cause you to become more pessimistic[6].

Also check out this session on grief counseling:

Hypnosis and remembering the good times

One of the main tips that helps you remember the good times is to browse through the photo albums you have, but this is very controlled remembering.

What you can control less are the memories that come to mind during the day. For this, it is important to look at your mindset. Ultimately, extraversion is a trait, and changing one's character is a lot harder (and less necessary) than changing one's mindset.

Initially, a hypnosis expert will engage you in a conversation about how you are in life, what you consider normal and not normal, and what is important to you. With this information, the hypnosis expert can help you much better in person than to do everything through an impersonal script (which are often the examples on this site).

Shifting focus from the negative to the positive

Especially if caregiving has made you a pessimist, now that you are no longer triggered to think negatively on a daily basis anyway, it is important to start thinking positively again.

Changing behavior is very difficult for many people. You have to realize each time you are working with a negative memory, stop it and consciously replace it with a positive memory that you then have to find.

One way to do this more subconsciously is through a post-hypnotic suggestion. This is a kind of command you get during hypnosis for the behavior you have after hypnosis. Usually you get this assignment after a guided visualization.

For example, if you find it hard to imagine being able to stop a negative memory and replace it with a positive one, a guided visualization helps. This can go like this, with the post-hypnotic suggestion:

"You are at work and suddenly you have to think of the person who has died. The negative memory is quickly transformed into a positive memory of a nice vacation, dinner, car ride, walk. You become happy from the memory and can refocus on your work. Every time you need to think of your loved one make sure you can link the memory to something you see. A plant for nature, a car for a trip, people for a walk or other special experience you had together."

This is just one example of a guided visualization with a post-hypnotic suggestion. Depending on your preferences and beliefs, you may receive a different guided visualization. Additionally, this example does not include the hypnosis induction.

Omdenken

In addition, you can also shift your focus from the negative to the positive in everyday life. For example:

If the train is late: This is not a bad thing, but actually good you can in fact start work later and have more time to relax before you have to work making your focus better.

When it rains: This is not annoying, rain is necessary to fill up cheaply across the border in Germany. The low level of the Rhine means that gasoline is now expensive "everywhere"[7] and, of course, it is good for the plants.

Changing Beliefs

Whether you are an optimist or a pessimist also depends very much on your beliefs about the world and how you function in it. For example, if you think your memory is terrible you may suffer from self-fulfilling thought. If you cannot get directly to the positive memory you see this as confirmation of your belief and you may give up too quickly.

Therefore, it is important to identify what beliefs you have that prevent you from remembering the good moments. With this, a hypnosis expert can help you.

Once you know what beliefs these are, a hypnosis expert can help you with hypnotic suggestions to change those beliefs so that you have more positive beliefs and are more optimistic in life.

You often also get these suggestions to take home with you to listen to at home during self-hypnosis. You practice this first with the hypnosis expert before working with this at home.

These may include suggestions such as:

"You are a positive person."

"You can enjoy the little things in life."

"The sun shines every day, even when you don't see it."

"Feeling your content is good too."

Listening to these types of suggestions daily during self-hypnosis brings them to the forefront of your subconscious and will change your whole way of thinking, which also makes happier memories quicker to find when you need them.

So there are several ways to help you remember even the good moments after someone you cared for has died. One practical tip is to look back at photos; in addition, it is helpful to change your mindset. If you think something isn't going to work out, it often won't. By being more optimistic in life, you also allow yourself more time to look for the positive memory, making it more likely that you will get it. This is where hypnosis can help.

Would you like to learn more about how hypnosis works and how you can use it to help yourself or others? Then join the free online hypnosis masterclass or take one of the other courses offered by the Hypnosis Institute of the Netherlands.

Sources:

[1] https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1057/9780230120099_5

[2] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/07317111003793443

[3] https://journals.lww.com/jhpn/Abstract/2014/04000/Caregiver_Grief_and_Anticipatory_Mourning.10.aspx

[4] https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/153331759601100404

[5] https://www.moregooddeeds.org/blog/2017/5/17/how-to-remember-the-good-times-better

[6] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/08964289.1995.9933734

[7] https://www.rtlnieuws.nl/economie/artikel/4483626/omgekeerde-wereld-duitsers-komen-naar-nederland-om-te-tanken